---------------------------------- The Canonical List of Polish Jokes 10/02/93 Posting #1 ----------------------------------
I myself am Polish, and I'm not dead-headed enough to get offended by Polish jokes. I must admit, Polish jokes tend to be the most creative and catchy of any jokes I've ever heard. That's why I took on the task to compile a list for rec.humor.
This is by no means a complete list, but it's all I can find/think of at the time. I'll be posting this list irregularly at first, but then probably on the first day of each month.
~1 An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!" ~2 Polish firing squad, stands in a circle. ~3 New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy. ~4 Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke). ~5 Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions. ~6 Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town. ~7 Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators? A. It chips their teeth. ~8 Q. How do you sink a polish battleship? A. Put it in water. ~9 Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot. A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you. ~10 A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times." ~11 Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open. ~12 A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman appears. Italian: Boy, I could eat her!... The Polish guy shot her. ~13 Why wasn't Christ born in Poland? Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin. ~14 Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe? A: Zero. Because there are no poles in Europe. Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but they're removable. ~15 Q: Why did the Polak cross the road? A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken. ~16 Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree? A: Wave to him. ~17 The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them how to swim. ~18 Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home. ~19 These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" ~20 Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies. ~21 A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..." The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..." ~22 An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car. The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?" To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...." ~23 On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. ~24 Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Polak!" ~24 Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. ~25 Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? A: So the cops can find the handles. ~26 A patient goes to a polish doctor. Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup. Seven days later.... Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your caugh. ~27 This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!" ~28 A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out. "That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!" Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped for breath. Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!" To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done eating the jelly donuts." ~29 Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt. ~30 Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel. ~31 A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The Polak said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...." ~32 A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!" ~33 A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." ~34 Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight. ~35 A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke... "Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?" "But I _am_ Polish, my son." There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ... "That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly." ~36 Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb? A: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair. ~37 A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready. The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" ~38 Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth. ~39 Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you? A: Take the pin out and throw it back. ~40 An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, _but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?" ~41 A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they *want*?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee sweeming suit?" ~42 A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?" ~43 One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says, "Oh no, 50 - 50". ~44 A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea. As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!" ~45 Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!" ~46 Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer? A: There's whiteout on the screen. ~47 Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be burried at sea when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave. ~48 A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them." ~49 Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who catches it. ~50 Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig? A: Lawrence of Poland. ~51 Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene? A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service. ~52 A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window." ~53 Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours. ~54 Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter." ~55 Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!" ~56 Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"