

STAR WARS EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE
w/ Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman
Dir: George Lucas

The Thumbs For Sale! review by Roger Gerbig
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Believe it or not, these Thumbs! hitchhiked all the way from the sunny
Central Coast of California to Columbia, Tennessee (business trip)
to catch an opening night show of "Star Wars: Episode I - The
Phantom Menace." Sometimes you do what you have to do. After all, this
self-styled movie critic and his army of droids--er--interns is but
one of the legion of complete and total "Star Wars" fans who when all
else seems boring and mundane, turn to tracking small disturbances in
the Force like some turn to bickering about tiny variations in a day's
weather.

That's what I call an active lifestyle.

Fortunately though, I never let this obsession get the best of me.
I've remained cool, collected and placidly normal over the
years--never even once showing up to a job interview brandishing my
lightsaber.

In the sixteen odd years since the last installment, some things in
the "Star Wars" universe have changed, while others haven't. "Phantom
Menace" opens up roughly 30 years (or about the time it would take
George Lucas to crank out 5.45 "Star Wars" movies) before the original
trilogy. The tiny planet, Naboo--featuring what may be the first
viable ecosystem of any planet visited in the Lucas universe--is under
siege by the Trade Federation, which appears to be quite a sinister
Political Action Committee replete with deep pockets, an army of
droids, and leaders who have no noses. And judging by their near
complete inability to lip sync to their dialogue, the Viceroy and his
sidekick may just have been borrowed from the Japanese touring company
of "Star Wars on Ice."

Being that this is sort of a dicey situation, the Republic wastes no
time sending in a couple of Jedi Knights, Qui-Gon Jinn (Neeson) and
Obi-Wan Kenobi (McGregor), to negotiate a settlement of sorts. Of
course, things go a bit wrong and soon those lightsabers are pressed
into action. Then things get worse when the Trade Federation decides
to stray from the peaceful pasture of planetary orbit and stage a
full-blown invasion of Naboo.

All of which illustrates the first major problem I had with this
flick. You see, the Jedi are basically a couple MBAs (that's Mythical
Bad Asses in Thumbs! speak). Every line they utter (when not rehashing
"classics" from the first trilogy) drips with self-importance and
excessive knowledge of the way things are. And Lucas makes it
abundantly apparent that when it's a lightsaber vs. a legion, the
lightsaber reigns supreme. Sure, in the first 45 minutes alone they're
chased by battle droids, forced to stow away on enemy ships, nearly
stomped on by the Federation's war machine, hunted mercilessly by the
really big fish in the pond, and finally driven to flee to the far
corners of the galaxy. But there's never really any sense of danger
during any of this turmoil. They're just a couple of Jedi, caught in
an amazing universe of special effects.

The furious pace of plot and planet hopping are nearly guaranteed to
make you feel like you've embarked on an extended bus tour of the
universe. Sure, it's great to see the sights, but Lucas the driver
leaves you wondering if you'll ever get a chance to make a pit stop.
In fact, it's debatable whether or not this tour guide would ever stop
long enough at a roadside stand for you to buy some trinkets for the
folks back home.

The rather thin plot labors under being a setup piece for parts II and
III of this trilogy, and suffers from some ill-begotten cloning of
certain characteristics of "Return of the Jedi." When all the films
are completed, I can assure you that this one will be the least able
to stand on its own.

As our heroes rocket across the galaxy collecting cast members and
bumper stickers (Tattooine is for Lovers!), it suddenly occurred to me
how deficient the characters were--at least in comparison to those in
the first series. It's not bad acting, it's just the purely functional
nature of the dialogue. Apparently, as a species, humans aren't all
that funny (Han Solo being a notable exception). Just forget your
dream of having a career in stand-up comedy in the ring of clubs
dotting the edge of the Republic. Unless you've got floppy ears, fur,
or skin tones that lean toward the blue end of the spectrum, that is.

Which leads us to the requisite Jar Jar Binks paragraph. Every other
critic has one, so why can't I? For those of you doing time in Jabba's
dungeons, Mr. Binks is the klutzy amphibious alien dude entrusted with
96% of the humor present in the script. Already the most controversial
character in the "Star Wars" universe, I'll limit my critique to one
point: Upon occasion, someone really needs to come between Lucas and
his marketing "yes" men and casually mention that, "um...this ain't
necessarily funny."

Now, if we could just schedule him and a squad of Ewoks to engage in a
little Ultimate Fighting between themselves... There's a pay-per-view
event even I'd pay for.

While it's obvious that I have a few complaints, I will say your
entertainment dollar isn't wasted. Not only are the visuals
spectacular, but Lucasfilm had enough common sense to keep some of the
better ones out of the previews. And, if you missed subtlety the first
time around, as I did, rest assured. A second viewing does wonders for
the actors' performances. Portman's regal Queen Amidala makes a
plausible case against business casual dress in the workplace, and
Darth Maul's actually pretty evil despite his vaguely devilish good
looks and M.C. Hammer-inspired getup. Subtlety also befriends the
finer points of production design. These are fabulously-realized
worlds we're visiting here, though I still wish I could open the bus's
window!

Unfortunately, I'm completely incapable of lowering my expectations of
an event such as this, which didn't serve me well. "Phantom Menace"
just isn't a good enough movie to shatter said expectations. But it is
an event. It is entertaining. And it's got enough of those classic
holes in the plot (why wasn't Obi-Wan able to sense a certain dark
presence when he was standing less than five feet away?) to merit much
frivolous discussion over the next few years until the next
installment arrives.

And here's one perhaps all of you can help me out with: since main
Jedi characters tend to have hyphenated first names like "Obi-Wan" and
"Qui-Gon", why wasn't that other famous Jedi named something like
"Luke-Warm Skywalker?"

At any rate, a good show!
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©1999 Roger Gerbig