Subject: Review: Starship Troopers (1997)

From: Doug Skiles <[email-masked]>
Date: 14 Nov 1997 17:08:00 GMT

STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997)

Starring: Computer Generated Bugs And Lots Of 'Em, Plus A Lot Of People
You've Never Heard Of And Let's Hope It Stays That Way

Directed by: Paul Verhoeven, Written by: Edward Neumeier, Based on the
novel by Robert A. Heinlein

Rated R by the MPAA for gratuitous nudity, gore everywhere, strong
language all over the place, and probably a lot of other stuff that
didn't need to be in there

Reviewed by: Doug Skiles

Oh, man.

Where do I begin?  Okay, how about with this: STARSHIP TROOPERS is one
of the worst movies to hit theaters in a long time.  In fact, it might
even be the worst *major* release film to come out in years... or even a
decade.  This is bad beyond belief.  I would *not* suggest paying money
to see this.  There's a good chance you'll regret it.  If you see it for
free, you could still want to walk out.  Go right ahead. 

The movie starts off with cheesy 90210 scenes set in the future world
of... Buenos Aires.  Here we meet the group of horrendously bad actors
and actresses playing obnoxious, easy-to-*despise*-with-a-passion
characters that have love triangles, love rectangles, and love hexagons
screwing up their life.  Before long they all go off and join the
military, primarily in the interest of having sex with the other
youngsters that joined.  They train.  They strut around nude for no
reason whatsoever.  After an hour of making the audience scream in
agony, they start fighting bugs.  The big bugs look nice, even though
their design is only "okay."  Unfortunately, the fights are boring since
we *want* all of the characters dead anyway.  Cue more agony.  Then some
characters have sex.  Then some more die.  ***Who cares???***  Cue more
agony.  The movie ends, the audience runs out to their cars, vomits over
the pavement, and attempts to drive home.  Unfortunately, after that
torture, they can't think straight, don't pay attention to the road, and
many are in ugly car wrecks. 

You remember how BATMAN & ROBIN was bad?  Well, BATMAN & ROBIN kicked
this movie's sorry butt, people.  STARSHIP TROOPERS does not succeed as
an action movie.  It does not succeed as a drama.  It does not succeed
as a war movie.  It does not succeed as a comedy.  It does not succeed
as a satire.  It does not succeed as a parody.  It succeeds as being
horrible.  Terrible.  Gut-wrenchingly bad.  I wanted to run away from
that movie every minute.  But I paid my money and I owed it to others to
see if the movie got any better.  So I stayed.  It never got better. 
Frequently, it did the impossible, and got *worse*.

The movie as written, acted, directed, and basically just feels as a
whole like it's about on the mental maturity level of a FREE WILLY 4. 
The whole thing feels like a movie that only three-year-olds could
enjoy... except for the ridiculously gratuitous blood and gore, and
pointless nudity.  It's written for little children, but children should
definitely *not* go anywhere near it.  Of course, I recommend the same
for everyone.  Don't go anywhere near it.     

Verhoeven's got a streak going now.  His last movie was SHOWGIRLS.  He
seems to be trying to see how bad his movies can get before people
finally stop coming.  SHOWGIRLS was a failure, but it appears that,
though it'll be lucky to make near its budget, this movie will still do
okay gross-wise.

Is it really *all* bad?  Well, no.  TROOPERS has about four or five
lines of dialouge/short humorous scenes that are actually funny, mostly
from the "Do you want to know more?" commercials that pop up throughout
the story, promoting the joys of the joining the troopers.  So that adds
up to about 30 seconds of entertainment and still about one hour, 59
minutes, and 30 seconds of miserable torture.

I'm totally confused as to the way that some people are really enjoying
this movie.  But I do admit it.  So, if you're willing to possibly put
yourself through torture, go ahead and see it, and decide for yourself
if you love it or hate it.  I don't know how anyone or any*thing* could
love this movie, but hey, to each his own.  Feel free to give it a
shot.  Of course, in the interest of saving your souls, I don't
recommend it.

But guess what?  ALIEN RESURRECTION comes out November 26th, and, having
already seen some of it and having read the script, I assure you that it
will blow pretty much everyone away.  Though opinion on STARSHIP
TROOPERS is reasonably split, it'll be difficult to find someone that
*won't* like ALIEN RESURRECTION when they've seen it.  This is possibly
the year's best intense action film, or at least *one* of the best.  If
you really want to see alien warfare that's played out intelligently and
seriously, see ALIEN RESURRECTION.  Please, avoid this.

Rating: F or (no stars)