Subject: Review: Starship Troopers (1997)

From: Michael Chen <[email-masked]>
Date: 6 Jun 1998 16:03:54 GMT

STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997)

Film Review by Michael Chen

Rating: * (out of ****)
Rating: 2 (out of 10)
Director: Paul Verhoeven
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Dina Meyer, Jake Busey
Novel by: Robert A. Heinlein
Screenplay by: Ed Neumeier
Duration: 129 minutes

This is one of the worst big-screen film experiences I’ve had for a
while. With this film, plus “Showgirls” and “Basic Instinct”, Paul
Verhoeven has stamped himself as currently one of the worst blockbuster
directors. His celebrated film “Total Recall” was – I admit –
successfully scripted, but it nonetheless contained directorial flaws.
Obviously nobody wanted to invest too much money in a production from
someone like Verhoeven, the result being that much of the special
effects in “Starship” seemed fake. But not EVERYTHING bad in the film
was the director’s fault, even though he was one of the guys who
employed the actors. It is surprising that none of the actors received
nominations for the Razzie Awards (I expected five for the acting
categories). Casserole Vanity Devoid, Dense Ribald, Dingy Miasma, and
Jackass Bushy are in serious need of acting school. No, they have to
pass primary school drama classes first.

While “Total” was written well, “Starship” is purely pathetic. All
right, it is SUPPOSED TO be a fast-paced entertainment film, and you’re
SUPPOSED TO turn off your intellect (completely) and enjoy the action
sequences and special effects (that is, guts and gore). As a matter of
fact, I found the activity incredibly boring, a complete waste of more
than two hours. Half of the film was a bad episode of “Beverly Hills
90210” (Dina Meyer was in "Beverly Hills"), while another quarter was
simply nothing (things like presenting irrelevant information in an
irritating way on the web), and the rest was a display of humans
fighting computer-generated images. The battles were all the same –
jumping around, shoot or get stabbed – and on barren planets that only
had giant insects. There weren’t even any stunts, which I consider
slightly more exciting than pictures running around. I wonder what the
insects eat, if there’s nothing but them on the planets? There is so
much laughable treatment in this film, and it is frankly not amusing
when jokes are intended. This type of story is obviously aimed at
10-year-olds, who can’t see it anyway because of the violence and some
sexuality. But then, there are always 16-year-olds who have that frame
of mind.

The pointless plot begins when Johnny’s (Vanity Devoid) girlfriend
Carmen (Richards) decides that she wants to join the troopers to fight
the insects who are throwing asteroids at Earth. Johnny then signs up as
a trooper also, after an overacted argument with his parents. But there
is another girl, Dizzy (Meyer), who likes Johnny and then there is
another boy who likes Carmen, which results in a love quadrangle, which
isn’t better, because it means augmented worse-than-stereotyped soap
opera, increased bitchiness, and more bad Beverly Hills + Melrose. And
the result of this love quadrangle at the end is also rather stupid.
Anyway, getting back to the thing you might call plot, Johnny is too
stupid to be a pilot and has to join the infantry, while his girl and
the other dude are in the same league. Dizzy comes chasing Johnny and
joins the infantry also. They then start training, which contains what
Roger Ebert calls IPS (Idiot Plot Syndrome, moments when only an idiot
would have made such obvious mistakes), then real combat. And guess
what? That’s about as complex as it gets. Oh, and one of their friends,
Carl (Neil Patrick Harris a.k.a. Doogie Howser M.D.), becomes involved
in war intelligence, and his abilities at the end are really corny and
make me want to spray insecticide on someone for it. He’s my fifth nom
for a Razzie. The troopers fight, fall in love, die, kill, and try to
act. Naturally, they win, or sort of half-win. Of course, in between
(and at the end) there are soldiers chatting and smiling while carrying
grievous wounds caused by bug legs. The bugs also suffer from IPS: why
would you release hold of your captive before killing it? Isn’t it also
amazing that Earthlings haven’t invented better hand-held weapons by
then?

The only question that remains is why I gave it one star instead of
zero. Well, maybe a-quarter (of a star) for the originality of the
co-sex shower scene and the (very) brief moments of suspense, another
quarter for copying “Zulu” and letting the good guys (the bugs) win, and
half a star for the sucking-out of the brain of one of those people who
call themselves actors (but there should have been more, the troopers
deserved to die).

****: Classic
***½: Highly recommended; Excellent
***: Recommended
**½: Okay; Passable
**: Time-Killer
*½: Ill-advised cure for boredom
*: Keep an alarm clock beside you, also usually suitable to end a
relationship
½: Try to restrain yourself from inflicting pain to anything nearby,
including yourself and the screen, on realisation of how much time and
money you have wasted
Zero: No comment

Heartily welcome any questions, comments, and criticisms to
[email-masked].