Subject: Retrospective: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

From: Dennis Schwartz <[email-masked]>
Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2001 20:49:13 -0000

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (director: Nicholas Webster; screenwriters:
Glenville Mareth/based on a story by Paul L. Jacobson; cinematographer: David
Quaid; editor: Maurice Gordon; music: Milton Delugg; cast: John Call ( Santa
Claus), Leonard Hicks (Kimar), Vincent Beck (Voldar), Victor Stiles (Billy),
Donna Conforti (Betty), Pia Zadora (Girmar), Bill McCutcheon (Dropo), Chris
Month (Bomar), Carl Don (Chochem), Leila Martin (Momar), Ivor Bodin (Winky),
James Cahill (Rigna), Al Nestor (Stobo), Doris Rich (Mrs. Claus); Runtime: 82;
Columbia; 1964) 

Reviewed by Dennis Schwartz 

This tacky attempt to make a kid pic about the Christmas spirit seems too
retarded for even kids who will watch anything silly. Even kids who might lack
any discretion due to the genetic effects of brain damage or those suffering
from TV deprivation because of Taliban influences or those deficient due to the
decline of educational standards in our urban schools. 

The 8-year-old Pia Zadora made her film debut as a Martian girl named Girmar,
and she will go on to prove as an adult actress that she has retained the knack
to land parts in bad films and pout. Adults can only wince at this Santa space
fantasy kidnaping, fight boredom and incredulity from the storyline, and get
through this flick by finding something to laugh about in all the lame special
effects (Martians with antennas on their heads and sets made out of cardboard),
tasteless dialog (Santa calling one of his reindeer Nixon), and absurd plot
twists (having an automated Santa workshop in Mars and four kids with toys
easily besting an evil adult with a disintegrating ray gun who tries to
eliminate them while the non-violent Santa sits back and chuckles at all this).

Santa even cracks a few jokes, my favorite is when Santa asks: What's soft and
green and put over a fire? Answer: A Martianmallow. Ho, ho, ho! 

It works best when viewed as a very bad film that has to be seen to be believed.
It achieved cult status when named high on the list in the book "The Fifty Worst
Movies of all Time." I wouldn't go that far, it's just not what you would call a
mainstream Christmas favorite that becomes essential to view during the
holidays, like Bing Crosby in "White Christmas." 

On KID TV there's a visit to Santa's North Pole workshop, where an interviewer
sees the busy Santa helper, Winky, make a Martian toy. All Santa's helpers are
busy because the Christmas season is coming soon, and Santa is happily puffing
away on his pipe before he makes his Christmas rounds. 

The story switches to Mars and their chief Kimar and his wife Momar are
concerned that their kids, Bomar and Girmar, suddenly can't sleep or eat, and
feel depressed. All the Martians have green paint on their face, and all the
kids do is watch Earth TV programs to the displeasure of the parents. The chief
asks his wise man Chochem what to do, and he says the kids are unhappy because
they are programmed to go straight to adulthood and bypass their childhood fun.
He says that fun must be brought to the kids of Mars, and he suggests bringing
the Earth's Santa here to get the kids into a Christmas mood. This is the
logical advice Kimar decides to follow, as he prepares to take a spaceship with
a few Martians as part of a raiding party to abduct Santa. The only one who
objects is the meanie Voldar, he doesn't believe in fun, toys, laughter, or
Santa. He will spend the rest of his film time trying to sabotage Santa's
efforts and those of his leader to bring cheer to the kids of Mars. 

When the Martians land in the USA, they're confused when they see hundreds of
Santas on the street and don't know who the real Santa is. To help them they
abduct 10-year-old Billy and his 8-year-old sister Betty, who tell them the real
Santa is in the North Pole. 

Kimar cleverly uses the robot Torg to abduct Santa, but the cheerful Santa turns
the robot into a toy. So the Martians storm into Santa's workplace, zap Mrs.
Claus and all the helpers with a sleep spray and wisk Santa and the kids away to
Mars. 

Santa is such a jolly fellow that he goes along with this Martian joke and
prepares to make the kids on Mars happy. He finds Kimar's goofy assistant Dropo,
who is a lazy sort, to be perfect as the future Martian Santa. Dropo likes kids,
likes to laugh, likes to make toys, and gets fat instantly by stuffing a pillow
inside his Santa costume and gradually will become obese the natural way by
stuffing himself on chocolate ice cream and cakes that are served in the form of
a pill. 

Santa spreads good will and cheer to the Martians and is released to Earth with
Billy and Betty, as Dropo is approved by all as the official Martian Santa. The
film ends with its theme song "Hooray for Santa Claus," which goes something
like this: "Hoo-ray for Santy Claus/Yea yea for Santy Claus/. . .When we hear
sleigh bells ring/Our hearts go ting-a-ling!" Surprisingly, to the filmmakers,
it never caught on as a holiday favorite. 

A Christmas film by Nick Webster (Red Planet Mars) that is highly recommended
for those film buffs who love really bad films (the kind that are really worth
salivating over!). 

REVIEWED ON 12/24/2001     GRADE: D 

Dennis Schwartz: "Ozus' World Movie Reviews" 

http://www.sover.net/~ozus 

[email-masked] 

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED   DENNIS SCHWARTZ

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