From rec.arts.sf.reviews Sat Jan 5 15:57:33 2002 From: Dennis Schwartz Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.reviews,rec.arts.sf.reviews Subject: Retrospective: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Approved: ramr@rottentomatoes.com Followup-To: rec.arts.movies.past-films Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2001 20:49:13 -0000 Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com Message-ID: X-RAMR-ID: 30639 X-Language: en X-RT-ReviewID: 275834 X-RT-TitleID: 1032154 X-RT-SourceID: 873 X-RT-AuthorID: 1315 X-RT-RatingText: D Summary: r.a.m.r. #30639 X-Questions-to: ramr@rottentomatoes.com X-Submissions-to: ramr@rottentomatoes.com X-Complaints-To: newsabuse@supernews.com Lines: 105 Path: news.island.liu.se!news.Update.UU.SE!puffinus.its.uu.se!newsfeed.sunet.se!news01.sunet.se!surfnet.nl!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!sn-xit-03!sn-post-01!supernews.com!news.supernews.com!not-for-mail Xref: news.island.liu.se rec.arts.movies.reviews:2590 rec.arts.sf.reviews:191 SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (director: Nicholas Webster; screenwriters: Glenville Mareth/based on a story by Paul L. Jacobson; cinematographer: David Quaid; editor: Maurice Gordon; music: Milton Delugg; cast: John Call ( Santa Claus), Leonard Hicks (Kimar), Vincent Beck (Voldar), Victor Stiles (Billy), Donna Conforti (Betty), Pia Zadora (Girmar), Bill McCutcheon (Dropo), Chris Month (Bomar), Carl Don (Chochem), Leila Martin (Momar), Ivor Bodin (Winky), James Cahill (Rigna), Al Nestor (Stobo), Doris Rich (Mrs. Claus); Runtime: 82; Columbia; 1964) Reviewed by Dennis Schwartz This tacky attempt to make a kid pic about the Christmas spirit seems too retarded for even kids who will watch anything silly. Even kids who might lack any discretion due to the genetic effects of brain damage or those suffering from TV deprivation because of Taliban influences or those deficient due to the decline of educational standards in our urban schools. The 8-year-old Pia Zadora made her film debut as a Martian girl named Girmar, and she will go on to prove as an adult actress that she has retained the knack to land parts in bad films and pout. Adults can only wince at this Santa space fantasy kidnaping, fight boredom and incredulity from the storyline, and get through this flick by finding something to laugh about in all the lame special effects (Martians with antennas on their heads and sets made out of cardboard), tasteless dialog (Santa calling one of his reindeer Nixon), and absurd plot twists (having an automated Santa workshop in Mars and four kids with toys easily besting an evil adult with a disintegrating ray gun who tries to eliminate them while the non-violent Santa sits back and chuckles at all this). Santa even cracks a few jokes, my favorite is when Santa asks: What's soft and green and put over a fire? Answer: A Martianmallow. Ho, ho, ho! It works best when viewed as a very bad film that has to be seen to be believed. It achieved cult status when named high on the list in the book "The Fifty Worst Movies of all Time." I wouldn't go that far, it's just not what you would call a mainstream Christmas favorite that becomes essential to view during the holidays, like Bing Crosby in "White Christmas." On KID TV there's a visit to Santa's North Pole workshop, where an interviewer sees the busy Santa helper, Winky, make a Martian toy. All Santa's helpers are busy because the Christmas season is coming soon, and Santa is happily puffing away on his pipe before he makes his Christmas rounds. The story switches to Mars and their chief Kimar and his wife Momar are concerned that their kids, Bomar and Girmar, suddenly can't sleep or eat, and feel depressed. All the Martians have green paint on their face, and all the kids do is watch Earth TV programs to the displeasure of the parents. The chief asks his wise man Chochem what to do, and he says the kids are unhappy because they are programmed to go straight to adulthood and bypass their childhood fun. He says that fun must be brought to the kids of Mars, and he suggests bringing the Earth's Santa here to get the kids into a Christmas mood. This is the logical advice Kimar decides to follow, as he prepares to take a spaceship with a few Martians as part of a raiding party to abduct Santa. The only one who objects is the meanie Voldar, he doesn't believe in fun, toys, laughter, or Santa. He will spend the rest of his film time trying to sabotage Santa's efforts and those of his leader to bring cheer to the kids of Mars. When the Martians land in the USA, they're confused when they see hundreds of Santas on the street and don't know who the real Santa is. To help them they abduct 10-year-old Billy and his 8-year-old sister Betty, who tell them the real Santa is in the North Pole. Kimar cleverly uses the robot Torg to abduct Santa, but the cheerful Santa turns the robot into a toy. So the Martians storm into Santa's workplace, zap Mrs. Claus and all the helpers with a sleep spray and wisk Santa and the kids away to Mars. Santa is such a jolly fellow that he goes along with this Martian joke and prepares to make the kids on Mars happy. He finds Kimar's goofy assistant Dropo, who is a lazy sort, to be perfect as the future Martian Santa. Dropo likes kids, likes to laugh, likes to make toys, and gets fat instantly by stuffing a pillow inside his Santa costume and gradually will become obese the natural way by stuffing himself on chocolate ice cream and cakes that are served in the form of a pill. Santa spreads good will and cheer to the Martians and is released to Earth with Billy and Betty, as Dropo is approved by all as the official Martian Santa. The film ends with its theme song "Hooray for Santa Claus," which goes something like this: "Hoo-ray for Santy Claus/Yea yea for Santy Claus/. . .When we hear sleigh bells ring/Our hearts go ting-a-ling!" Surprisingly, to the filmmakers, it never caught on as a holiday favorite. A Christmas film by Nick Webster (Red Planet Mars) that is highly recommended for those film buffs who love really bad films (the kind that are really worth salivating over!). REVIEWED ON 12/24/2001 GRADE: D Dennis Schwartz: "Ozus' World Movie Reviews" http://www.sover.net/~ozus ozus@sover.net © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED DENNIS SCHWARTZ ========== X-RAMR-ID: 30639 X-Language: en X-RT-ReviewID: 275834 X-RT-TitleID: 1032154 X-RT-SourceID: 873 X-RT-AuthorID: 1315 X-RT-RatingText: D