Subject: Review: Gattaca (1997)

From: "P.J. Gladnick" <[email-masked]>
Date: 26 Oct 1997 19:11:51 GMT

Have you ever taken a shower and watched hair, dandruff, and scuzz
accumulate at the drain? Usually you don't even give a thought to it or
even try to. Well, how would you like to spend  a couple of hours watching
a movie focused on pee-pee, dandruff, skin flakes, hair, and blood
droplets? That's what you'll get if you waste your money on a piece of
garbage known as GATTACA.

This movie is supposed to be about a future where people are manipulated
genetically to have high intelligence and peak physical condition.
Meanwhile there are still people such as our hero, Vince, who didn't have
the advantages of this pre-natal genetic manipulation and ends up with
myopia and some heart problems. 

In this society there is genetic screening where the genetically advantaged
get the best jobs and the others (the "Invalids") such as Vince get stuck
doing janitorial duty which is what happens when he becomes part of the
cleanup crew at the Gattaca space headquarters. Vince, having higher goals,
 pays for the use of Jerome's (a crippled"Valid") genetically superior
material so he can pass himself off as a Valid and attaining his dream of
blasting off to Titan. This is where all that scuzzy stuff that you don't
even want to think about comes in. 

Vincent scrapes the skin scales off Jerome, borrows his blood and hair, and
gets mad when Jerome drinks too much and pollutes his genetically superior
pee-pee samples. A long time is spent watching Vincent cleverly planting
Jerome's hair and dandruff at his work station to fool those in charge. He
also wears a pee-pee bag in case they do spot checking for urine. On top of
that he puts Jerome's blood droplets behind fake finger skin in so he can
fool those little genetic testing machines that seem to be set up next to
every water fountain and escalator. Yes, you will be treated to more loving
closeups of pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood than you ever thought
possible. 

As if you didn't have enough of the aforesaid scatalogical items, a murder
occurs at the Gattaca headquarters and guess what? The cops come in and
there is still more testing of pee-pee, blood, saliva, etc. etc.. All this
was set in motion by a stray eyelash hair that Vincent overlooked by
mistake (Remember Anita Hill and the pubic hair). So just as you get sick
of pee-pee, hair, dandruff, saliva, and blood, we get even more of it in
spades. But good news!---Director Andrew Niccol throws vomit into the mix
just for a pleasant change of pace. No, they're not genetically testing the
puke. It's just that Jerome gets drunk and barfs. Niccol does us the favor
of showing the vomit flowing out of Jerome's mouth. Thank you for sharing.

Oh, let's get back to what the space mission is all about. Don't expect to
see much of anything about space technology. The Gattaca headquarters much
prefers to spend most of its resources on those genetic machines. After
all, they can't have one of those nasty "Invalids" infiltrating the scene.
Let just one Invalid in, with his ordinary genetic material, and there goes
the neighborhood.

There is also something about Uma Thurman's secret in the movie. Actually
it wasn't really all that big of a deal. Besides, by this time you're so
sick of seeing more pee-pee, dandruff, hair, blood, and spit, that you
really don't give a damn one way or another.

Anyway, despite all hurdles our hero, Vincent, gets away with pulling off
his scam of substituting Jerome's pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood for
his own. By this time you will be both bored and grossed out. So what about
Vincent's dream of blasting off to Titan? Well, take a guess how much of
his time is actually devoted to training for this mission?..... 75%?
Nope..... 50%. Still too high.....10%. WRONG! Actually zero time is spent
on training for the mission. Instead all Vincent does, when not subtituting
pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood, is tap away rapidly on a computer
keyboard  in a room filled with other genetically superior yuppies doing
exactly the same thing. Comes the big day and Vince, along with the other
genetically superior yuppies, enter the spaceship with no more enthusiasm
than taking a coffee break. In  fact, if memory serves me right (by this
time I was bored to the point of narcolepsy) they just walked into the
spaceship wearing coats and ties without even bothering to put on
spacesuits.

O.K., I said to myself, time to wake up for the payoff. After sitting for
all this time with my senses being dulled by the director's obsession with
pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood, surely there will be a magnificent
sequence of the mission to Titan. Well, here it is in its totality---Vince
stares out of the ship's porthole and thinks that he doesn't really care
all that much any more about going to Titan. At this point the audience
loses all care about Titan and this movie which mercifully ends before we
can be treated to yet more pee-pee, hair, dandruff, and blood. The only
surprise in the whole flick is that we weren't treated to loving closeup
shots of doo-doo. 

If you really must see Gattaca then I would recommend that you stare at the
scuzz gathered at your shower's drainage pipe and take a leak in a clear
plastic cup while playing a sermonette on the radio. You'll have basically
the same effect but at least you won't waste your money and a couple of
hours of your life.

The only thing GATTACA manages to accomplish is to be the absolute WORST
movie of the year. And in a year of horrible flicks that is quite an
accomplishment.

PJ's rating: MM (Must Miss).

Reviewd by P.J. Gladnick