From rec.arts.sf.reviews Fri Mar 2 15:47:54 2001 From: "John Beachem" Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.reviews,rec.arts.sf.reviews Subject: Review: Dungeons and Dragons (2000) Followup-To: rec.arts.sf.movies Date: 2 Mar 2001 00:54:09 GMT Organization: None Lines: 124 Approved: graham@ee.washington.edu Message-ID: <97mqvh$hr0$1@nntp3.u.washington.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: homer03.u.washington.edu X-Trace: nntp3.u.washington.edu 983494449 18272 (None) 140.142.17.35 X-Complaints-To: help@cac.washington.edu NNTP-Posting-User: grahams Summary: r.a.m.r. #27767 Keywords: author=beachem X-Questions-to: graham@jetcity.com X-Submissions-to: graham@ee.washington.edu Originator: grahams@homer03.u.washington.edu Path: news.ifm.liu.se!news.lth.se!grendel.df.lth.se!snopp!newsfeed.sunet.se!news01.sunet.se!feed2.news.luth.se!luth.se!feed2.onemain.com!feed1.onemain.com!newsfeed.direct.ca!look.ca!news.u.washington.edu!grahams Xref: news.ifm.liu.se rec.arts.movies.reviews:26056 rec.arts.sf.reviews:2829 DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS Review by John Beachem * 1/2 Directed by: Courtney Solomon Written by: Topper Lilien, Carroll Cartwright In another world, the Empress Savina (Thora Birch) has decided to eliminate the caste system by making commoners equal to mages. The mage council, led by the ambitious Profion (Jeremy Irons), obviously doesn't like this, and demand that Savina turn her scepter of what's his face over to them. The scepter gives its user control of gold dragons. Profion decides that to combat the empress, he must obtain the rod of so and so, which will give him control of red dragons. He sends his henchman, Damodar (Bruce Payne), after it. Meanwhile, two thieves, Ridley and Snails (Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans), and a young apprentice wizard named Marina (Zoe McLellan) are trying to locate the rod so they can destroy it for the empress. They team up with a drunken dwarf (Lee Arenberg) in desperate need of a napkin, and an elven tracker (Kristen Wilson) in desperate need of a personality, and go out to face the armies that await them. Yet time is running out for the Empress, and Profion is gaining more and more allies in the council. Can our heroes succeed? Will justice prevail? Will you manage to stay awake? I have to admit, when I first heard about the Dungeons and Dragons project a couple of years back, I was rather looking forward to it. I'd enjoyed the game years ago, and we get so few fantasy movies I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Then, perhaps eight months ago, I saw the first screen shots from the film and doubts began to form in my mind. It would appear these doubts were well justified. In fact, it could be argued that Dungeons and Dragons is the worst film of the year (though in my opinion that crown still belongs to Battlefield Earth). Yet in some ways, the film reminded me more of Highlander: Endgame, in that it should never have hit the big screens, but been marketed as a direct to video release. The special effects are of the same cheesy lot found on afternoon action shows like "Xena: Warrior Princess" (I know, after Dragonheart no dragon would look good enough, but these are really bad); the costumes look like they were purchased at the local Halloween costume shop; the acting is so atrocious it cannot be adequately described; and the story will most likely baffle those over the age of 12 who have never played the role playing game. Can no one act in this god forsaken movie?! That's the thought that was running through my head throughout the film, and alas, it seems no one could. Justin Whalin (Jimmy Olsen from "Lois and Clark") leads our talentless cast with a performance that would have been more appropriate to your average high school play. Marlon Wayans (Scary Movie) goes out of his way to prove he's the least talented Wayans brother. His brand of completely out of place ghetto speech is so annoying it might just make you wish Jar Jar Binks would show up (well... maybe not that annoying). Zoe McLellan is certainly attractive, but don't expect her to win any major awards for her performance other than the razzie. Bruce Payne (Highlander: Endgame, what do you know?) is painfully bad as the bald, lipstick wearing, and not even remotely intimidating Damodar. The man's idea of acting consists of whispering horrible dialogue while contorting his face into various looks of disgust (possibly at his lines). Amongst a legion of bad actors, Payne stands out as the worst. I'm still in shock that Jeremy Irons (The Mission) of all people actually signed on to this movie, but there he is, hamming it up like you've never seen before. At least he seems to be having a good time, even if the audience isn't. As for Thora Birch, who showed real promise with her performance in American Beauty, all her talent seems to have vanished into thin air. Of course, she only has about ten minutes of screen time, and in a movie filled with really horrible dialogue, she gets the worst. Every word that comes out of her mouth is simply dripping with cheese. An example of her average line would be "I know this within the depths of my soul." Ouch. Of course, she delivers all these lines in the same, monotone voice, which somehow manages to make them even worse. Tom Baker, Doctor Who himself, turns up briefly as the king of the elves; one of the film's few pleasant surprises. When a film starts with a voice-over narration explaining things that still don't make any sense afterwards, you know you're in for a bumpy ride. Unfortunately, this movie wasn't just bumpy, it was more like being stuck in a hurricane for an hour and a half. This piece of garbage has single handedly destroyed the good name of D&D. Wait, it didn't have a good name... that's a neat trick. In addition to the horrible effects, costumes, dialogue, acting, direction, sets, etc., the film makes one more major blunder. At times, it actually tries to convey some sort of moral message. When the film tries to be profound, it's really, really bad. When it sticks to being light-hearted and kind of goofy, it's.... really, really bad. You're no doubt wondering if a movie called Dungeons and Dragons has any dungeons. There are legions of cheesy looking dragons, and yes, there is one dungeon. It consists of Ridley going through three different traps while a group of thieves watch, betting on whether or not he'll survive. We're told that countless people have tried to beat these traps and failed. I don't know who these people were, but they must have been blind and wheel-chair bound since I could have beaten these traps and I'm none too light on my feet. The question now, is what could have been done to improve this movie? Well, targeting things at an adult audience would have helped. Perhaps with a real adult cast (I'm so tired of teenage "actors" I can't see straight), and a real adult director (this is Solomon's first film and it shows), and a real adult script (why do all bad movies seem to have multiple writers?), this could have been something. In other words, if you had completely changed everything about the movie, it could have been tolerable. So is there anything good about this movie other than Tom Baker's appearance? Well, the final battle scene is alright, I suppose, in a cartoonish sort of way. It features a lot of obviously fake dragons battling it out over an obviously fake city while obviously fake actors playing wizards hurl fireballs at them. As for the film's score, by composer Justin Caine Burnett (who? exactly), it's perfectly suited to the movie because it's just as irritating and cheesy as the antics on screen. Dungeons and Dragons runs 105 minutes, although it will feel like three times that. I'd recommend the film to fans of cheesy movies, because this is one of the cheesiest I've seen in some time; and to people who thought Battlefield Earth was unfairly panned. I give it one and a half out of five stars. Comments? Send to: johnbeachem@dependentfilms.net Past reviews can be found at: http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem * * * * * - One of the best movies of the year. * * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one. * * * - Okay movie, hits and misses. * * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk. * - See this one only if you enjoy pain. _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com --