Subject: REVIEW: CHILD'S PLAY 3

From: [email-masked] (The Phantom)
Date: 9 Sep 91 13:34:12 GMT

[Followups directed to rec.arts.movies.]

			    CHILD'S PLAY 3
		    A review in the public domain
			    by The Phantom
		      ([email-masked])

     We start this review first with an apology: to those phans who
despaired of seeing the Phantom's review of CHILD'S PLAY 3 and went to
see it over Labor Day weekend, the Phantom apologizes most sincerely.
In this case, patience would have been its own reward, for there were no
rewards to be found this weekend inside movie houses showing CHILD'S
PLAY 3.

     Though he usually attempts to see a film he is reviewing on opening
day, in this case the Phantom waited until after the holiday so that he
could see Chucky's latest with a friend and phan from the Phantom's day
job (writing sporadic film reviews on the Internet pays less well than
one might expect).  The Phantom intends to see the latest ELM STREET
film on opening day, but he expects that his friend will be making other
plans; having once suffered through 90 minutes of boredom and mental
anguish at the Phantom's behest, he is not likely to make the same
mistake again.  The Phantom feels that his film recommendations likely
carry very little weight or credibility after CHILD'S PLAY 3; though he
warned his friend that the film would no doubt be fairly poor (it being
a sequel to a sequel), he neglected to note that it could -- conceivably
-- be one of the worst horror films ever made.

     And that it is.  Phans who remember the Phantom's review of CHILD'S
PLAY 2 (released about nine months ago) will remember that although the
Phantom was somewhat disappointed with the first sequel to Tom Holland's
1988 horror classic, he found it a cut above the usual slash and trash
fare.  It was stylish and full of good humor, and although Chucky had
become thoroughly Jasonized, phans who didn't go expecting great
originality or an excess of logic found an entertaining and well-made
thriller.

     CHILD'S PLAY 3, however, is a different story entirely.  Actually,
it's exactly the same story, as far as the plot goes, but the result
brought to mind one of the Phantom's tried and true capsule reviews, one
that he uses whenever he wishes to sum up great disappointment tempered
with relief that the proceedings were no worse than they were: At least
there were no locusts.

     Astute phans will recognize at once the reference: bad horror and
locusts can only mean EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC, which remains the
absolute nadir of American horror cinema -- perhaps of American cinema
in general.  If the horror film is a slug inching its way through the
garden of legitimate cinema, EXORCIST II is its slimy trail.  [Phans who
wish to read the definitive review of this turkey should obtain a copy
of "The Golden Turkey Awards", by Harry and Michael Medved -- ISBN
0-399-50463-X -- a delightful compendium of the worst films ever to be
shown on the silver screen.]  Ever since seeing that John Boorman bomb,
the Phantom has been able to reflect on even the most egregiously awful
horror film and think, "Well, at least there were no locusts."  That
thought always brightened the Phantom's mood; all right, so the plot was
predictable, the special effects weren't so special, the acting was
overwrought, and the dialogue was unspeakable.  All right -- but at
least there were no locusts.  No locusts, no Linda Blair, and no James
Earl Jones in a bug suit.  But most especially, no locusts.

     Phans, after about 20 minutes of CHILD'S PLAY 3, the Phantom found
himself desperately trying to remember Linda Blair's classic "dance of
the locusts"; a swarm, a plague, a blizzard -- even James Earl Jones in
his bug suit -- *anything* would have been better than the next 70
minutes of this cinematic travesty.  Alas, nothing flew through the
auditorium but the Phantom's half-eaten popcorn, and the only buzzing
came from the projection booth, whence the projectionist quickly fled
after starting the sorry proceedings.  Had the Phantom not just invested
a small fortune at the box office, and had he not been with his (now
likely former) friend, he too might well have fled, thus elevating
CHILD'S PLAY 3 to the ranks of films so appalling that even the Phantom
himself -- hardened though he is to the genre of the cheaply and
cynically made exploitation film -- was reduced to taking flight from
his aisle seat before he either lost his mind or died of boredom.

     There are more than a few things wrong with CHILD'S PLAY 3, and
lack of locusts is the least of them.  Perhaps it would be better to
catalog what is *right* with the film, since that list would certainly
be shorter, and the Phantom always endeavors to keep his reviews under
2,000 words.  To catalog what is wrong with CHILD'S PLAY 3, even 20,000
words might not do, so its best to start on the high side and work our
way all too quickly to the low.

     In the three years since the original CHILD'S PLAY was released,
Chucky's puppeteers and special effects crew have certainly done
themselves proud; there is no doubt that the Chucky who appears in this
sequel is more life-like and convincing than ever.  He has now been
given a wide range of facial expressions, and this time out we even get
to see his hands move and his fingers wiggle.  Not bad for a doll that's
been burnt up, blown up, torn apart and melted to a heap of molten latex
not once but twice so far in his very brief life.

     In keeping with his new, life-like look, Chucky has also been given
some new, life-like dialogue, all of which sounds like it was cribbed
from FREDDY'S OUTTAKES: HENNY YOUNGMAN IN HELL.  The dialogue --
especially Chucky's dialogue -- is problem number one with the film (as
you can see, the Phantom has already ended his brief catalog of "high
points"; we're now headed down a steep and bottomless incline toward the
"low points").  For some reason, Brad Dourif (the voice of Chucky) seems
to have been given the go-ahead to do his (fairly poor) Jack Nicholson
impersonation throughout the film.  Although Chucky was made into a bit
of a wise-ass in CHILD'S PLAY 2, in his latest outing he's so full of
one-liners that the Phantom thought he might just have come from a
screen test for TERMINATOR 3 -- his only liabilities being his size and
the fact that he's more life-like than Arnold Schwarzenegger.  When he's
not making bad jokes, he's cursing, a sure sign that the writer spent
more time pondering royalties and residuals than he did Roget's.  At one
point the impersonation is so obvious, and the dialogue is so
Nicholson-esque, that Chucky even raises his left eyebrow while
delivering the line.  Had the Phantom not already been shocked into a
stunned silence by the sheer weight of the film's mediocrity, he might
even have laughed; as it was, he merely winced at the sight of a film
that had even at such an early stage gone so far awry.

     The story is worse by far than you are likely to be able to
imagine.  Perhaps your imagination is better than the Phantom's, but he
simply was not ready for CHILD'S PLAY 3's horrific plot.  It's almost as
if Don Mancini, while pondering his probable share of the box office
gross, watched videotapes of GRADUATION DAY, PROM NIGHT, and MY BLOODY
VALENTINE.  The result?  Andy (the unfortunate child who gets Chucky as
a present in the original film and then must deal with him all over
again in the sequel) is now a teenager and is attending a military
academy.  Meanwhile, Chucky is resurrected in some way off-screen,
presumably so that we're spared the pathetic and unlikely explanation --
a "high-point" the Phantom nearly overlooked.  He quickly discovers
Andy's location and wraps himself in a package, places an address label
and correct postage on the outside of the package (from inside the
package, one must assume), and mails himself to the academy.  This is,
in fact, what Mr.  Mancini would have us believe, since in one scene
Chucky is at the Good Guys toy factory, and in the next someone is
unwrapping his package after the postman delivers him -- the package
being the only thing about this film that's first-class.  The absolute
cynicism of this "plot twist" oozes from the screen and puddles on the
auditorium floor along with the soda spilled during the previous show;
in CHILD'S PLAY 3, not only does logic get tossed out the window, but it
takes common sense and all respect for the audience down to the pavement
with it.  Mancini's script for the first CHILD'S PLAY was clever and
original; his script for the sequel was clever enough and filled with
good humor; but his script for CHILD'S PLAY 3 is marked by a terrible
contempt for the audience: even when it makes sense -- which happens all
too infrequently -- it assumes that those of us who were unfortunate
enough to get suckered into seeing CHILD'S PLAY 3 also deserve to be
laughed at by the filmmakers.  Perhaps, however, the last laugh will be
ours; though the film has only been in release for a few days, at the
Phantom's showing the theater staff already well outnumbered the
unfortunate patrons.

     Need the Phantom go on?  CHILD'S PLAY 3 is a film that we've all
seen before: its plot is so creaky that the Phantom had hoped it had
been retired forever after having all but killed the horror film in the
early eighties.  Pick any plot from your least favorite horror film,
phans, and you've pretty much got it: Teenager knows terrible secret;
teenager acts alone; teenager enlists friends; some friends die; final
confrontation; lunatic killer goes to his reward; audience files out
disgusted and discovers once again why God created VHS.

     Since Andy is a teenager, it's difficult to see why he should be so
frightened of what is, after all, a two-foot-tall doll.  True, the doll
is going after another little kid (the film's token black actor, and the
only person who seems to be enjoying himself on screen), and true, along
the way he does manage to kill a couple of peripheral characters, but
when it comes right down to it, Andy looks tired and more than a little
bored.  He's been through all this before, and we've been there with
him.  Since Chucky's attention is for some mysterious reason split
between Andy and the little kid who unwraps him, there is no opportunity
for any sustained suspense, or even for a prolonged chase scene.  The
awful plot intrudes at every juncture, and just when things look like
they might start to get interesting, we're treated to another ten
minutes of the worst homage to FULL METAL JACKET that has ever been
made.  Remind you of GRADUATION DAY?  PROM NIGHT, perhaps?

     The film winds itself down at a leisurely pace -- the filmmakers
apparently assumed that simply showing Chucky on the screen once every
few minutes and having him say something either inane, vulgar, or both
would be enough; or at the very least, that we as loyal phans of the
series deserve no more.  Having eluded his pursuers and escaped
capturing our interest for nearly an hour and a half, Chucky follows his
potential victim to a nearby carnival (isn't there a carnival near every
military academy?), and for the third (fourth?)  and last time begins
the lengthy pseudo-Latin prayer to the gods of the underworld that he be
released from his tiny latex prison, and that his soul be allowed to
rush into the body of the unfortunate (but patient) little kid who's
with him.

     As Chucky's lengthy liturgy droned on, the Phantom prayed fervently
to the twin gods of pay TV and enhanced downstream value that the film
would be no more than a cable-friendly 90 minutes in length, so that he
himself could rush out of the auditorium and scan the skies for signs of
locusts.  No locusts, alas, but in truth, one plague each day is enough.
And after seeing CHILD'S PLAY 3, it is the Phantom's sincere belief that
enough is most definitely enough.  CHILD'S PLAY 3 is a repellent film,
one that holds its audience in near constant contempt, and one that is
so cynically and incompetently made that it makes even Freddy's death
knell -- THE DREAM CHILD -- seem enjoyable by comparison.  Even HARDWARE
was so bad that it was nearly funny; CHILD'S PLAY 3 is just bad.

     Here's wishing a plague of locusts on Don Mancini for concocting
it, and on Universal for releasing it.  The Phantom will leave it to
them to find Linda Blair and have her do her locust dance so that they
may be released from the curse of unanimous audience disdain -- a curse
more terrible for a Hollywood studio than any swarm of insects could
ever be.

: The Phantom 
: [email-masked] 
: {cmcl2,uunet}!esquire!baumgart