Subject: REVIEW: BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997)

From: [email-masked] (Chuck Dowling)
Date: 24 Jun 1997 14:44:02 GMT

BATMAN AND ROBIN
                       A film review by Chuck Dowling
                        Copyright 1997 Chuck Dowling

Batman and Robin (1997) 1/2 out of ***** - Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger,
George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Elle
Macpherson, John Glover, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle, Jeep Swenson, Jesse
Ventura, Vendela, Vivica A. Fox, Coolio. Written by: Akiva Goldsman.
Directed by: Joel Schumacher. Running Time: 130 minutes.

Ed Wood is alive and working under the name Joel Schumacher! Run for your
lives! "Batman and Robin" is the fourth film in a movie series which, in a
span of only eight years, has managed to go from good to outstanding to bad
to stomach churning retartedness.

As the "film" begins, Batman and Robin are summoned to battle a new villain,
Mr. Freeze, who has broken into a museum and is attempting to steal a big
diamond to power his freeze machine (oh so THAT'S what diamonds are good
for). The opening scene manages to rival the opening scene of 1996's "Romeo
and Juliet" as the most ridiculous movie sequence ever put to film. Anyway,
soon they have to battle other villains as well, Poison Ivy (Thurman) and
Bane (Swenson).

George Clooney steps into the Batsuit this time and it's now official,
Batman has no personality whatsoever. It's not Clooney's fault, he's just
going by the script and by Schumacher's (shudder) direction. Batman is known
as the Dark Knight, meaning that Batman is supposed to have a dark, brooding
personality. Joel Schumacher (vomit) has managed to change all that over the
course of two films, as Batman is now a cartoon. He always has a lame pun to
spout out or an afterschool special message to deliver.

Speaking of puns, that's all Mr. Freeze has to say. He hardly has one line
of dialogue which doesn't involve a pun using any of the words: cool, cold,
ice, freeze or chill. After the first two, you're sick of it. But, alas, it
continues.

As with "Batman Forever", there are way too many characters. One villain is
all that's needed, not three. Bane is the worst of the three, which is
surprising because of what little I know of the comic books, Bane was a
major force. Here he's just a masked goon, grunting like Frankenstein's
monster. And he's also amazingly easy to defeat, as his weakness are these
big tubes coming out of his head. Pull one out, and he's dead. If he walks
into a coat rack, he's a goner. Poison Ivy is way too talky, and most of the
time she's babbling to herself, which is even more irritating.

Gotham City now represents a city which must exist on some other planet
other than Earth. The laws of gravity seem to have little effect in this
world. Also, it seems that no one really lives in Gotham, except for street
criminals, which makes me wonder why in a city protected by Batman would
there be the highest crime rate ever in the history of civilization?
Batman's not protecting anyone, as there's mass terror constantly going on
in the streets. Perhaps it's Joel Schumacher's (gag) views of capital
punishment at play here, because in both "Batman Forever" and here, long
speeches are given about how it would be wrong to kill the main villain
after he's been captured. Instead, to punish them for their crime of
attempted mass homicide, villains in Joel Schumacher's (puke) vision of
Gotham City get locked up in an asylum, which everyone knows they will break
out of in no time to kill more people.

To go into further detail about all the ridiculous aspects of this movie
would take a review longer than the written screenplay itself. So I'll just
mention the worst of the bunch. Now, when Alicia Silverstone becomes
Batgirl, she shows up late in the film to help Batman and Robin defeat
Poison Ivy. Now, keep in mind that Silverstone has been living in Wayne
Manor and chatting with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson for the entire film.
Also keep in mind that her Batgirl "disguise" wouldn't fool an infant.
Anyway, she arrives, cleans house, and then chats with Batman and Robin...
who DO NOT RECOGNIZE HER! She actually has to tell them who she is.

But the moment which made me groan the loudest comes at some sort of charity
auction where old men are bidding on scantily dressed women on stage. Poison
Ivy arrives and puts the audience under some sort of spell. Batman and
Robin, who are actually at a party dressed as Batman and Robin, are also
captivated by her spell. Soon the audience starts to bid on her, and Batman
and Robin join in on the bidding. Batman increases the bid to something like
seven million dollars, and then whips out, I kid you not, a Batman credit
card, complete with the Batman logo on it as well as "BATMAN" typed out on
it. This is absolutely the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Think about this
for a moment won't you? What bank honors this card? Did they call Batman to
offer him this special card? Only Batman can use this card, so do you think
Batman does his own shopping? Perhaps goes to Ace Hardware to pick up some
more Batapults and charges them to the Batcard? At that moment it became
true, the Batman movie series, which once prided itself from being 180
degrees different in tone and style from the campy 60s TV show, is now just
as good as the WORST episodes of that TV series.

I do give the film credit for two things. One is the casting of Arnold
Schwarzenegger as a villain, but I only give credit to the concept, not the
actual performance. Also, as with "Batman Forever", the film looks great. It
looks like every penny of the budget was spent on the look of the film. The
set design, costumes, and special effects are all top-notch.

I'm all for a silly summer movie. Sometimes I like shutting down most of my
brain and just enjoying a fun movie. But to consider "Batman and Robin" to
be fun, you'd have to completely tear your brain out of your head and throw
it away, never to be used again. Please someone stop Joel Schumacher before
he vomits into a film cannister again and tries to pass it off as a movie.
[PG-13]

-- 
Chuck Dowling
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