Subject: Review: Armageddon (1998)

From: "Kleszczewski, Nicholas" <[email-masked]>
Date: 10 Sep 1998 21:10:50 GMT

Armageddon

Hello kids.  Today the movie studios want to take over my critical
review, and somehow persuade you that _Armageddon_, the summer's biggest
blockbuster, is a film for everybody. And remember, if a film is for
_everybody_, and if it makes the most money for the summer, it _must_ be
good, right?

Armageddon is a COMEDY, with a capital "C".  It stars BRUCE WILLIS, who
has a hundred one-liners!  It has a tiny rock land directly in the
middle of a heated argument in New York City!!  And, chuckle, chuckle,
one of those New Yorkers, _survives_, with charcoal all over his face!!
Snorkle, *sniff*, hiccup.  And it has Steve Buscemi as a _genius_ who
wants to work for an oil rig?  Knee-SLAP!!  Isn't this just so, so,
funny!?

Armageddon also has ROMANCE, with a capital "R".  It has a tender moment
between *forbidden lovers* Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler, with, with, Animal
Crackers!  And it has Will Patton as a long lost husband trying to
reunite with his separated wife and child, who thinks he's a SALESMAN!
Gurgle, *sniff*, awwwww.  And it has Steve Buscemi spewing more
one-liners about minors and strippers.  Umm, moving right along...

Armageddon also has lots of ACTION, with a capital "A".  Not just any
action sequence would do.  It must have _original_ action sequences that
are designed to thrill.  Like, DRILL, darn it, DRILL!!!  And, let's have
inept people destroy the MIR space station!!  Can't you hear your heart
beating!?  And Steve Buscemi goes crazy and starts shooting at people!!
What drama!!

Lastly, Armageddon is out there to save the PLANET, with a capital "P".
This can't be any old thriller--we must have an asteroid, the size of
Texas head straight for earth!!  And, and, we must have beautiful scenic
worldwide shots, like Paris, BLOWN UP.  And, and, we must have peoples
of all colors, nations, and religions, join hand in hand for one final,
hopeful, HUG.  The final sequence, where Muslims in prostrate worship
stand up--in Domino fashion--to cheer the victory, filled me with such
emotional goo that I wanted to, to, to rip the screen into shreds!!  I
mean, I mean, cheer for ecstatic joy!  (It was over).

Comedy. "C".  Romance.  "R".  Action.  "A".  Planet.  "P".  Okay, kids,
what does that spell?

Seriously, folks.  Any film that could take the indie-films' most
valuable talents, and throw it all away with a Bruce Willis vehicle, a
hundred-million dollar budget, but have cheap-o sets and lousy special
effects, is, bottom line, living proof that hell exists, and has made a
multi-picture deal with Universal.

In the midst of all the action, the terseness, the one-liners, the fake
sets, the overall WASTE of  TIME, I recognized Matt Malloy playing an
underwritten NASA technician ("Malloy, give me a reading").  Remember
him?  He was a principal player in last year's _In the Company of Men_,
a film that was more powerful, shocking, terrifying, funny, and shocking
than _Armageddon_ could ever aspire to be.  _Armageddon_ cost over $100
million to make.  _ITCOM_ cost a paltry $30,000.   Need I say more?

Nick Scale (1 to 10):  2