Subject: Review: Armageddon (1998)

From: [email-masked] (Mark Bubien)
Date: 22 Jul 1998 04:47:31 GMT

* The Top 45 Things I Learned from the Movie "Armageddon."

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The Top 45 Things I Learned from the Movie "Armageddon."
by
M. Stanley Bubien

45. Golf balls are an effective deterrent against Greenpeace weenies.

44. Even though your asteroid is rotating wildly on 3 axes, you always
have a perfect view of the Eastern seaboard of the United States.

43. The best way an American can gain the trust of the Chinese is to
drench them with crude oil.  Thumbs up Yankee!

42. The USA rules.

41. In a disaster movie, it's okay to chop a salesman into two pieces,
but never ever let the cute little doggy get a scratch.

40. When parked on an asteroid, low gravity situations never apply to you
when you're inside the Space Shuttle.

39. When on the asteroid's surface, low gravity situations never apply to
the equipment you brought with you---unless you need to leap over a giant
canyon.

38. When crashing a Space Shuttle into a low gravity asteroid, you plow
into the ground and break apart without bouncing one single time or
losing any equipment into space---even if you are travelling faster than
the asteroid's escape velocity.

37. Your thrusters always push you down, even if you are spinning out of
control and they're spraying in all different directions.

36. "Laughing With" vs. "Laughing At": When Steve Buscemi delivers a
line, that's "Laughing With";  When Bruce Willis delivers a line, that's
"Laughing At."

35. Eleven minutes at 8 Gs isn't all that bad.  Sure you complain a
little, but your loose facial muscles never bend back from the force,
your lips don't turn white from blood drainage, and you have no trouble
remaining completely conscious the whole time. You are, after all, one of
the best damn oil rig workers in the South China Sea!

34 (tie). Fire will burn in a vacuum.

34 (tie). Sound will travel in a vacuum.

33. Not only can a Space Shuttle dock while flying loops around a
rotating space station, *two* can do it at the same time.

32. All hail the USA.

31. Explosive decompression and near-absolute zero temperatures never
apply to the human body.

30. Planet killer asteroid coming?  Hide in your cellar!

29. NASA will let any untrained bozo go into space without giving an
argument---if he happens to be one of the best damn oil rig workers in
the South China Sea!

28. A surface detonation will have no effect on an incoming asteroid. 
But shoving a nuke into a hole drilled 0.03% of the way into its solid
iron crust will split that baby right in two!

27. Prior to the giant planet killer asteroid, several hundred smaller
ones travelling on the exact same trajectory always precede it, giving us
ample warning by striking the Earth 3 weeks ahead of time even though
we're in a totally different position in our orbit.

26. When it's your only chance to save the planet, NASA will make sure
your first pit stop is with a broken-down Russian space station.

25. Massive iron rocks colliding with your Shuttle at faster than the
speed of sound will not penetrate the titanium hull, but bullets will.

24. A father is always surprised to find his daughter in bed with the
only eligible bachelor her age within 1000 miles, especially when said
bachelor is good looking and a really nice guy to boot.

23. In a planet killer situation, NASA's biggest concern next to
worldwide rioting is religious hysteria---the last thing we need when
faced with the extinction of all life on the planet as we know it is
people falling onto their knees and quietly praying.

22. Paris sucked anyway.

21. U.-S.-A. All The Way.

20. Animal crackers are an effective on-screen substitute for sex.

19. No matter how stupid or life-threatening they might be, always go
with your instincts---especially at the end of the movie.

18. Shuttle about to crash on an asteroid?  If you're a passenger, go
into the wide cargo bay and don't strap yourself in.

17. Shuttle about to crash on an asteroid?  If you're the pilot do not
for any reason whatsoever put your space suit's helmet on. 

16. When you're on an asteroid and you need to leap over a giant canyon
and clear the towering spires on the opposite slope, drive off a flat
surface and turn your thrusters off.

15. A father always hates it when the one nice, clean-cut and respectable
guy on the rig falls in love with his daughter, especially when he loves
the guy like a son.

14. Trevor Rabin needs to leave the movie industry and return to playing
lead guitar for the Rock band Yes, and so does Bruce Willis.

13. Men who are overweight, out-of-shape and untrained can handle the
rigors of weightlessness, cramped quarters and extended periods at heavy
Gs, but the guy with two Phds always suffers from Space Dementia.

12. To create 1G of artificial gravity, a 21 foot diameter space station
only needs to spin at 2 RPMs, rather than the 228 RPMs that all known
laws of physics seem to require.

11. Shotguns shoot bullets, not shot.

10. Concerned about the bottom line?  Don't waste any money on
inconsequential things like story line and technical consultants---just
make damn sure you hire the best director of TV commercials you can find.

9. When a Russian Cosmonaut places you in the deepest recesses of his
space station and tells you to watch the pressure gauge in case it
overloads, run for your life immediately.

8. A 250 lb. man flying off an asteroid at a velocity of 40 ft./sec. can
be effectively stopped by a 175 lb. man grabbing his life-line and
tugging with all his strength---don't worry, the 175 lb. man will never
be pulled helplessly into space even though he is not tethered to
anything himself.

7. Planet killer asteroids heal parent-child relationships better than
any psychologist ever could.

6. "Deep Impact": good Science Fiction. "Armageddon": bad Science
Fiction.

5. Thank God the Cold War's over because those crazy Ruskies can sure be
handy to have around---give one a hammer and he can fix anything.

4. Hoo-Ray for the USA.

3. Though it lopes through the atmosphere like an overstuffed 747, when
you get it into space, the Shuttle maneuvers exactly like an F/A-18
fighter jet.

2. Every oil drill needs a gatlin' gun!

1. Yes, some people will pay $7.50 to see a stinking pile of crap.

###

1024 Words.
Copyright 1998, M. Stanley Bubien.

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