Subject: Review: Armageddon (1998)

From: [email-masked] (p-m agapow)
Date: 1 Oct 1998 05:02:25 GMT

# [film] "Armageddon"
A Postview, copyright 1998 p-m agapow

A bunch of good ol' boys are sent into space to bicker and eventually 
destroy yet another asteroid on an Earth-bound course. There is much 
shouting and explosions.

Starting late last year, we were subjected to teaser ads that declared 
"1998 is closer than you think!".  By June and the release of "Deep 
Impact", with teasers still coming thick and fast, I was beginning to 
wonder if that line was intended as a reminder to the filmmakers.  But 
"Armageddon" has arrived at last and proves to be much like other 
Bruckheimer productions (e.g. "Con Air", "The Rock"), only more so.  
And this is how it is:

As you all know, cosmic objects can't help but attack the North 
American continent and well known landmarks.  All it takes is a quick 
meteor shower on New York, the destruction of the Chrysler building 
(again) and NASA realises that it's in the middle of a disaster film.  
An asteroid "the size of Texas" is headed straight for Earth.  
Terrified by the idea of there being two Texases (or Texii), NASA 
honcho Billy Bob Thornton panics.  He's surrounded by a bunch of geeks 
and the only people who can solve problems like this are men, real men 
like ...

... restaurateur and sometime actor Bruce Willis, here playing a 
psychotic gun-nut.  When he's not threatening employees with a shotgun 
or being Oedipal with his daughter (Liv Tyler, rigid and with pupils 
the size of theoretical nuclear particles), Bruce is the best oil well 
driller on the planet .  So when Bruce is shown NASA's plan (as is 
traditional, land on asteroid, drill a hole and blow it up with a 
couple of nukes left over from the Cold War), he scoffs at the idea of 
sending astronauts to do a man's job.  What you really need is a group 
of psychotic gun-nuts.  The Michigan Militia aren't available, so 
Bruce's drillcrew are on the job.  As the crew contains Clear Eyed 
Singlet Hero (Ben Affleck), Mr Pink (Steve Buscemi), Big Black Dude, 
Cowboy and Retard, you realise you are about to descend into Character 
Actor Hell.

The oil crew kid around a lot while Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler make a 
bid for Most Annoying Screen Couple of All Time.  Realising that this 
quest is doomed (Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor having a lock on 
that title), they blast off for the asteroid, stopping only for some 
brief racism on a Russian space station.  Later the gravitational pull 
exerted by Bruce's ego causes one of the shuttles to crash, killing a 
lot of nameless astronauts and Ben Affleck.  In response the audience 
goes wild and Liv Tyler goes catatonic.  In fact the shock is so great 
that it reaches back in time and renders her catatonic from the 
beginning of the film.  But back on Earth, we can see people following 
the tribulations of our heroes.  Curiously enough, from these segments 
we can see that the population of the United States consists of (a) 
New York, and (b) some bucolic never-never-land, filmed through a 
foggy lens, populated by hayseeds who peer anxiously at the TV between 
holding soapbox derbys and mopping the cows.  Did they just splice in 
clips from "The Waltons"?

But things are going too well, and there's an hour of film and six 
gadzillion dollars of special effects to use up.  So, in short order 
(a) the military try and stab our boys in the back, (b) Mr Pink grabs 
a gun and starts shooting things, and (c) the asteroid attacks the 
crew.  Really.  All those hayseeds back in Ray-Bradbury-land look 
anxious and squint at their TVs.  Will our heroes make it before the 
precisely plotted deadline?

Of course they will. Duh.

"Armageddon" is raucous, noisy, bigoted and dumb by turns.  It goes on 
for far too long, piles on the pathos and setbacks to the point of 
absurdity and is so intent on setting up its ragtag team as rebels 
and the only ones who can do the job, that everyone else looks 
incompetent.  Consider the basic absurdity of scenes like where the 
team hard bargains for its rewards.  (Think about it - cancel my 
parking tickets and give me a tax free income or the planet dies.)  
But "Armageddon" is the only BDP (Big Dumb Picture) of recent times to 
even partially succeed, with the sound and fury distracting you from 
plot idiocies.  There are even some good things about "Armageddon".  
At least it realises that there is a world outside of North America 
(unlike "Deep Impact") and deals with the disaster as a global event, 
complete with nice if cliched images of Parisian cafes, church 
services in Italy, prayer meetings in India.  A few of the supporting 
characters are well drawn too, and shine past the competitive 
overacting of the leads.  (Or underacting in Liv Tyler's case.)

All in all, one should not think too closely about this picture.  
Place your critical judgement aside and accept it as a disposable 
piece of entertainment that will quickly fade as you leave the cinema, 
leaving not even a bad taste behind.  [**/ok] and boutique 
beer on the Sid and Nancy scale.

"Armageddon"
Released 1998.
Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, Gale Ann Hurd et al.
Director Michael Bay.
Starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Liv Tyler,
	Will Patton.

--
Paul-Michael Agapow ([email-masked]), Dept. Biology, Imperial College
"We were too young, lived too fast and had too much technology ..."