Subject: Review: Armageddon (1998)

From: Jon Popick <[email-masked]>
Date: 25 Feb 1999 06:02:02 GMT

>From the creative team that invented the "why don’t we all just whip it
out and see whose got the biggest dick" film, Armageddon surpasses its
predecessors in budget, effects and pure testosterone output. I’m
talking about Jerry Bruckheimer (ConAir, Crimson Tide) and Michael Bay
(The Rock, Bad Boys), the guys that seem to annually discharge the type
of "sword-fight" picture that features an all male cast and relies on
big explosions to keep their date-raping homophobe frat-boy legions
glued to the screen. You just know if these two were involved in the
music business, they would probably be responsible for the horrific
big-haired cock-rock that came into popularity in the mid 80’s.

With that said, Armageddon is still good. Well, maybe good isn’t the
right word. It is very entertaining and even features (gulp) a female in
a sort of important role. Not peripheral characters like Nicolas Cage’s
wife in ConAir or Sean Connery’s daughter in The Rock, but a real honest
to goodness woman who…OK…maybe I’m exaggerating. She’s still just eye
candy.

The following is an excerpt of the PLANET SICK-BOY review for Deep
Impact. There really isn’t any point in me thinking up a fresh way to
say what I can just cut and paste from somewhere else. It’s pretty much
the same story, so everybody follow along:

The premise is simple – an asteroid the size of New York City is headed
toward Earth, threatening  global destruction and the eventual
extinction of all its inhabitants. And no, the world isn’t saved by  an
Apple PowerBook or Slim Whitman records.

No doubt aided by a story culled from recent headlines, Deep Impact is
also set apart from the rest of the big budget schlock by tapping into
real human emotion. Some of the heartstring tugging is a little too much
to handle, but if you’re used to the weekly emotion manipulation hour
every Thursday night at 10:00 PM, it won’t seem quite so painful. I
wonder if you can get an emotion callous? I  wonder how many times I can
use the word "emotion" in this paragraph?

Just replace the title and the part about "tapping into real human
emotion". Not that the typical "Bruce saves the world" movie usually
disappoints in that department. While Deep Impact spent more time
developing characters, Armageddon spent that time (and 30 additional
minutes) blowing stuff up. In fact, it cost more to market Armageddon
($80,000,000.00) than it did to make Deep Impact. Them explosions ain’t
cheap, but I’m sure that they’ll payoff when the dust settles and the
final numbers come in. Armageddon will likely outgross its rival within
two weeks.

The other main difference in Armageddon is that the ragtag bunch sent
off into space to take care of the asteroid isn’t an experienced group
of astronauts, but a crusty team of oil drillers. Join us, as we meet
the main players:

Harry Stamper (Willis, The Fifth Element) - the best oil rigger in the
world, Harry owns runs the company that employs the other cast members.
He is also the father of...

Grace Stamper (Tyler, Stealing Beauty) - the beanpole that came of age
on the big rig and, thusly, has fallen for one of her father’s workers
named...

A.J. Frost (Affleck, Good Will Hunting) - the cocky young-turk driller
who, when he isn’t penetrating the earth for black gold, penetrates the
doe-eyed Grace behind his boss’s back

Rockhound (Buscemi, ConAir) - the crazy kooky guy with the messed up
teeth

Jayotis "Bear" Kurleen (Michael Duncan) - the black guy

Oscar Choi (Owen Wilson, Bottle Rocket) - the cowboy

Chick (Will Patton, The Postman) - the other guy

Like I said, not much character development and that’s kind of
surprising in a film with a 2 1/2 runtime. Even more unexpected is the
fact that it was born of a writing team that, individually, was
responsible for Jumanji and The Devil’s Advocate. Rumor has it that the
studio brought in some heavy hitting script doctors to punch up the
story, but it doesn’t really show. For the record, they are Paul
Attanasio (Donnie Brasco), Ann Biderman (Primal Fear) and Robert Towne
(Chinatown).

But, who needs a script when size is the only thing that matters?
Armageddon is probably the slickest looking film this side of Titanic.
While the actual events are completely preposterous, they look very
authentic. Credit Titanic King of the World and his effect company,
Digital Domain, for the realism. And bored viewers can look for Digital
Domain’s creepy metal skull (from T2) trademark, which appears a few
times in the film.

So, basically, don’t go to see a great movie. Go to have a great time.

PLANET SICK-BOY:  http://home.eznet.net/~jpopick