From cnishida@netcom.com Thu Sep 28 01:44:42 1995 Received: from netcom12.netcom.com by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id BAA06403; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 01:44:41 -0400 Received: by netcom12.netcom.com (8.6.12/Netcom) id WAA10131; Wed, 27 Sep 1995 22:38:58 -0700 Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 22:38:58 -0700 (PDT) From: "Craig H. Nishida" Subject: [MB-MANGA] How to help the Editor To: MB-trans ML Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Hello, All. These aren't my edits. I'll post them tomorrow. But I thought I'd take the time to address some other questions... On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Harold writes: H> On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Thomas writes: T> H> Warning, there's a minor spoiler for compliation #7 below.... H> H> Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 06:53:47 +0000 (GMT) H> From: "Craig H. Nishida" H> H> Part 1 of 4. H> H> The first 11 pages of this chapter... H> H> In which Miki gets a shock... H> H> Well, here it is! The first draft script to the MB-trans mailing list! H> H> Marmalade Boy chapters come in 40-page chunks or so. Rather larger H> than I'm accustomed to on KOR-trans. I'll still post a chapter at a H> time, but I won't post so many chapters at once! H> H> Thanks--coming from the more sedate MI trans list which does things H> a page at a time, the higher pace here will be a challenge (for some H> reason I'm playing the Rayearth Battle Suite as I start this reply :-) Whatever gets you revved up, Howard! ^_^ H> A few more notes: ? marks a possible suggestion, ??? marks a H> suggestion I'm not at all sure about. I normally edit out panels I H> don't comment on, Yes. Please do. H> and sometimes the beginning of a panel is replaced H> by a [...] (endings may be silently dropped). Tell me if you'd like H> more context.... No. All I really ask for is that you cite the original line *with* the page/panel number preceding it. Then attach your comments and suggested changes below. Citing the original line with the romaji also helps others besides me in analyzing your criticisms. When I post edits, I'll do the reverse. I'll cite your comments/ suggestion first (sometimes compiling EVERYONE'S comments on the same disputed translated line), then follow it with either my comment and/or the updated, edited line. Occasionally, I toss in witty* jokes! ^_^ Feel free to do the same. *i.e., as judged by me. H> Earlier you asked for a bit of background: briefly, I'm from the MI H> trans list, don't know much Japanese (haven't had time to formally H> study it), Well, neither have I, but that hasn't stopped me from trying! ^_^ H> but have been watching anime and puzzling over manga for a H> few years now, and vaguely know my way around Nelson, etc. I know the feeling. Well, welcome! And Thomas writes: T> Yup. I'm here too. Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your T> computer %^). Hey! Cool. I wasn't sure if any non-YFC members would hop over from MI-trans, and here, the first two comments are from such creatures... ^_^ Craig P.S. Like I said up top. My first set of edits will be posted tomorrow night. But feel free to comment any time. From hga@access.digex.net Thu Sep 28 10:04:57 1995 Received: from access5.digex.net by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id KAA06810; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 10:04:57 -0400 Received: (from hga@localhost) by access5.digex.net (8.6.12/8.6.12) id KAA18938 ; for ; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 10:02:26 -0400 Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 10:02:26 -0400 Message-Id: <199509281402.KAA18938@access5.digex.net> From: Harold Ancell To: mboy-trans@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu In-reply-to: <199509280544.FAA06407@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu> (cnishida@netcom.com) Subject: Re: [MB-MANGA] How to help the Editor Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 05:44:43 +0000 (GMT) From: "Craig H. Nishida" On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Harold writes: H> H> Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 06:53:47 +0000 (GMT) H> From: "Craig H. Nishida" H> Well, here it is! The first draft script to the MB-trans mailing list! H> H> Marmalade Boy chapters come in 40-page chunks or so. Rather larger H> than I'm accustomed to on KOR-trans. I'll still post a chapter at a H> time, but I won't post so many chapters at once! H> H> Thanks--coming from the more sedate MI trans list which does things H> a page at a time, the higher pace here will be a challenge (for some H> reason I'm playing the Rayearth Battle Suite as I start this reply :-) Whatever gets you revved up, Howard! ^_^ This is the music that plays in the first episode when Clef's "Your mission, should you chose to accept it..." is permenantly interrupted by the arrival of divers minons of evil. It's great "something awesome is approaching" music.... BTW, it's Harold :-) H> Earlier you asked for a bit of background: briefly, I'm from the MI H> trans list, don't know much Japanese (haven't had time to formally H> study it), Well, neither have I, but that hasn't stopped me from trying! ^_^ Well, you've informally studied it a lot more than I've been able to :-) My help will be necessarily limited to english suggestions and shadings of the definitions of individual words. H> but have been watching anime and puzzling over manga for a H> few years now, and vaguely know my way around Nelson, etc. I know the feeling. Well, welcome! Well, shoujo and shounen manga do have the redeeming advantage of furigana (the small hiragana printed next to kanji) so kanji lookups are infinately easier. Pity there's so much good seinen (>10 grade) manga out there like MI. P.S. Like I said up top. My first set of edits will be posted tomorrow night. But feel free to comment any time. RSI and pesky customers insure I'll have to limit myself to one section a day at most.... - Harold From MURRAYR1@TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.US Thu Sep 28 10:55:41 1995 Received: from ten-nash.ten.k12.tn.us by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id KAA06886; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 10:55:40 -0400 Received: from TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.US by TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.US (PMDF V4.3-10 #11463) id <01HVT03W6F4W8ZO13E@TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.US>; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 09:52:59 -0600 (CST) Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 09:52:59 -0600 (CST) From: Richard Murray Subject: Where it's at To: mboy-trans@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu Message-id: <01HVT03W7A7M8ZO13E@TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.US> X-VMS-To: IN%"mboy-trans@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu" MIME-version: 1.0 Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Tom Ho wrote: > No offense but where is this at? > > @TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.US > > One of the weirdest addresses I've seen... No offense taken. :) This is the Nashville Tennesse Board of Regents host site. I have no idea why they don't use the standard .edu suffix. It's been set up to allow school systems in Tennessee to have access to the Internet (and where I [obviously] have an account.) ^_^ Richard From cnishida@netcom.com Thu Sep 28 22:09:30 1995 Received: from netcom6.netcom.com by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id WAA08500; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 22:09:29 -0400 Received: by netcom6.netcom.com (8.6.12/Netcom) id TAA11128; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 19:07:00 -0700 Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 19:06:59 -0700 (PDT) From: "Craig H. Nishida" Subject: Re: [MB-MANGA] How to help the Editor To: MB-trans ML Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII On Thu, 28 Sep 1995, Harold writes: > Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 05:44:43 +0000 (GMT) > From: "Craig H. Nishida" > > On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Harold writes: H> > Whatever gets you revved up, Howard! ^_^ > > This is the music that plays in the first episode when Clef's "Your > mission, should you chose to accept it..." is permenantly interrupted > by the arrival of divers minons of evil. It's great "something > awesome is approaching" music.... > > BTW, it's Harold :-) Arg. My apologies. Craig From cnishida@netcom.com Thu Sep 28 22:10:20 1995 Received: from netcom6.netcom.com by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id WAA08512; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 22:10:19 -0400 Received: by netcom6.netcom.com (8.6.12/Netcom) id TAA11173; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 19:07:49 -0700 Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 19:07:48 -0700 (PDT) From: "Craig H. Nishida" Subject: Re: [MB-MANGA] 1.1 To: MB-trans ML Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Here's the edits to what I've seen so far on the first 1/4 of the draft script. On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Harold writes: H> On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Thomas writes: T> H> 3-2 H> Jin: [off] H> H> How do you know it's Jin? In such cases I either consult the anime, or I just roll the dice. --------------------------------------------------- H> 3-4 H> [Miki's in shock, her eyes growing huge.] H> narration: H> One day, my parents suddenly ----aru HI TOTSUZEN no RYOUSHIN no H> declared their divorce... one-day sudden/unexpected parents 's H> H> How about "declared they were getting a divorce,,,." ? Um, I don't really have a problem with the way this line originally sounds. And it's a tighter sentence. --------------------------------------------------- H> 4-1 H> narration: H> With that... sore ga H> H> Miki: _ H> ...heck are you saying?! do-- yu-- kotoo?! H> H> narration: H> ...the curtain rose on my atashi no JUNAN no HIBI no H> daily sufferings. my-suffering 's daily/everyday H> H> MAKU Ake datta---- H> curtain rise was H> H> This is a little awkward, but I can't think of a better phraseing H> without throwing away the "curtain rise". Maybe modify "on", or drop H> "my"? With that, the curtain rose on my daily sufferings. Drop "my"? I think that's worse. To me, this line is just another way of saying the show's about to begin. And Miki's daily sufferings are what MB is all about. H> Which brings up a question: where on the scale between literal H> translations (easy), inaccurate but colloquial (not too hard, H> e.g. A.D. Vision :-), and smoothly flowing and accurate (hard, H> e.g. AnimEigo) are we going to try to place this effort? I've always aimed for the AnimEigo level. I mean, the truly "literal" translation is right there in the glosses under the romaji. And anyone can just look at the pictures and construct an ADVision line. ^_^ The real trick is to coin the literal *and* flowing English sentence. So you might have to argue such things as why we should toss out that "curtain rising" up above, or that or even a elsewhere. I have had the tendency to leave "funny-sounding" sentences in, if making them "sound right" means sacrificing words in the Japanese. But I'll always lay down a footnote to explain *why* the line sounds that way. (Sometimes it's a cultural reason, sometimes it's an interesting idiom...) --------------------------------------------------- H> p 5--TITLE PAGE H> [Miki and Yuu stand back-to-back. Yuu wears a smile. Miki folds her arms H> and frowns slightly, looking off to her right.] H> H> More than a slight frown, I'd say; much more and it would be a glare. I dunno. Miki's glares tend to be pretty obvious. She's pretty expressive. Here, she just looks a bit unhappy (to me). Now, later, when Miki keeps looking over her shoulder at us, wearing a look that's sorta despair, sorta "see what I have to put up with?" I'm stuck when it comes to describing that succinctly. There *must* be a word to describe that look! --------------------------------------------------- H> 7-2 H> [Miki's pov of her best friend, Meiko. Meiko is a pretty blonde, straight, H> H> Probably best to expand "pov" the first time you use it in a chapter. Hm. That did send some people into a tizzy when I archived the first big batch of KOR manga scripts. Perhaps just the first time in the first chapter. Presumably, everyone will read the scripts in that order, and won't have to be reminded every chapter. ===> 3-3 [Miki's pov (i.e., point-of-view) of her smiling, beaming parents, who sit side-by-side.] --------------------------------------------------- H> 7-3 H> [Looking irritated, Miki pauses in the middle of eating her sandwich.] H> Miki: H> Too amazing!! sugo-sugiru yo!! H> ______ H> There was even a heart-mark BUN-MATSU ni ma--ku H> stuck to the end of their at-end-of-sentence heart-mark H> sentence. H> H> I don't think the anime got to this level of "awareness of the media" H> until the wonderful episode #30.... Yeah. There are enough differences between manga and anime to keep me very amused. --------------------------------------------------- H> 8-3 H> Jin: H> During our activities issho ni KOUDOU shite-ru uchi ni H> together, Mama fell in love together are-doing-activities within H> H> "As we spent time with each other," ? I'll probably leave this one up to Paul, but I think the gist of the sentence is that the four of them did the usual tour activities, but did them together. --------------------------------------------------- T> > 9-2 T> > [View of the tea set.] T> > narration: T> > I'm not listening to a KIita koto nai yo sonna T> > ridiculous story like that!! have-not-listened like-that T> > ________ T> > bakabakashii HANASHI!! T> > absurd talk H> I think it's a sweat drop, although not yet a "Big Sweat(TM)" a la H> Sailor Moon.... You mean, is it "beads of sweat" or "drops of sweat"? I'd choose "beads." T> Suggestion: T> I've never heard such a ridiculous story!! T> T> KIita koto [ha] nai = the act of hearing has not happened Excellent! I like it. ===> 9-2 narration: I've never heard such a KIita koto nai yo sonna ridiculous story!! ________ bakabakashii HANASHI!! absurd talk --------------------------------------------------- T> > 10-1 T> > Jin: [off] T> > But in our case, we found demo uchi no BA-AI 2-RI T> Is this an arabic 2? ^ Yup. It's her (Yoshizumi Wataru's) way of writing . T> > out the other fell in love but our-case 2-people T> > with those two at the same T> > time, so there isn't any DOUJI ni KOI suru AITE ga T> > problem. at-the-same-time fall-in-love partner (S) T> > T> > MItsukatta wake da shi T> > was-discovered reason is and-besides T> > T> > MONDAI nai yo na T> > problem there-isn't T> T> This doesn't sound quite right in English. Agreed. You'll find my first drafts very much tend towards the literal. I try not to leave a word of Japanese out. T> Suggestion: T> But in our case, we both found someone to fall in love with at the same time, T> so there isn't any problem. Oh. I see what I did wrong. ===> 10-1 Jin: [off] That might usually be so... FUTSUU wa sou darou na ordinarily/usually like-that poss-be But in our case, we both demo uchi no BA-AI 2-RI found someone to fall in but our-case 2-people love with at the same time, so there isn't any problem. DOUJI ni KOI suru AITE ga at-the-same-time fall-in-love partner (S) MItsukatta wake da shi was-discovered reason is and-besides MONDAI nai yo na problem there-isn't --------------------------------------------------- H> 10-1 H> Rumi: [off] H> That's right. sou yo ne-- H> H> If it had been one-sided, KATAHOU dake dattara H> then having it turn into one-sided if-it-is H> a matter of adultery or H> H> Drop "a matter of" ? Either way, but maybe I lean a bit towards the line as-is. Anyone else have an opinion? H> immorality would have been UWAKI toka FURIN te H> messy... unfaithful or immoral (quote) H> H> koto ni natte mazui kedo H> turning-out-to-be unwise but H> H> Do you think mazui might have a stronger shading than "messy" here? H> H> Ugly??? The eqv. line in the anime was rendered as "That's so, and the H> idea of adultery is so unpleasant." I pass on this one. Paul? Yutaka? Anyone else? --------------------------------------------------- H> ---------> add ^ "in supplication" ? H> H> This is the classic hand gesture for that sort of thing. Supplication is good! ===> 10-3 [Rumi clasps her hands before her in supplication, gazing over at Miki, off-panel.] --------------------------------------------------- 10-3 H> Rumi: H> We met the Matsuuras, and WATASHI-tachi MATSUURA FUSAI ni DEAtte H> wanted to cherish the we meet-the-Matsuuras-(and) H> beating hearts that we H> hadn't felt in a long HISABISA ni KANjita tokimeki o H> while. after-a-long-time felt heart-throb (O) H> H> "Beating hearts" loses something.... I thought it better than "pitter patter"... "Throbbing hearts" perhaps? --------------------------------------------------- H> 11-1 H> [View pans back. Miki stands, glaring hard at the crushed can in her hand.] H> H> I'm not sure she's glaring at the can. Drop everything after "hard" ? She's glaring at the top of it. Which is what I'd be doing in that situation. --------------------------------------------------- H> 11-2 H> Miki: [off] H> Sure, my parents are in sorya uchi no OYA wa fudan kara H> the habit of being a bit sure my-parents (T) are-in-the-habit-of H> strange, but this time H> H> "Have some strange habits" ??? But that's a but too weak of a statement.... H> H> Drop "habit" ??? The original line sounds fine to me. H> this outrageousness has chotto KAwatta toko ga atta kedo H> gone beyond the limits of a-bit different case (S) were-there but H> forgiveness!! H> H> "This is too outrageous to forgive!!" ? The literal sounds more forceful to me. --------------------------------------------------- T> > 11-4 T> > Meiko: T> T> > In my parents'... uchi nanka... T> T> > 12-1 T> > [Somberly, Meiko drops her gaze. Miki looks on with surprise.] T> > Meiko: T> > ...marriage, their love FUUFU NAKA wa T> > for each other has grown married-couple relationship (T) T> > completely cold, but my T> > father, for appearance's HIe-kitte-te T> > sake, and my mother, for is-growing-completely-cold T> > financial reasons, won't T> > ever get a divorce. o-TAGAi AIJIN mo iru no ni T> > each-other's-love too is-there even-tho T> > T> > CHICHI wa SEKENTEI kara T> > father (T) appearances for T> > T> > HAHA wa KEIZAI-TEKI RIYUU kara T> > mother (T) economical reason for T> > T> > ZETTAI RIKON shinai no T> > absoluteness not-divorce (nom) T> T> I think the `HIe-kitte-te' is `HIe-kitte ite'and so marks the end of a T> phrase. If it was a `quoting "te"', then it should be `HIe-kuru-te'. I never thought it was the quotative. I did neglect that it was the conjunctive case, though. I'll also amend that gloss. T> Suggestion: T> My parents.... T> T> marriage has gone completely cold. Even if they do care for one another, T> it's because of appearances that my father, and for financial reasons that T> my mother would never get a divorce. For some reason, I get the feeling I glossed the incorrectly. How about: ===> 11-4 Meiko: I seriously mean that. HONKI de Itte-ru no yo They're a lot better than uchi no RYOUSHIN yori zutto ii wa yo my parents. than-my-parents by-far good My parents'... uchi nanka... 12-1 [Somberly, Meiko drops her gaze. Miki looks on with surprise.] Meiko: ...marriage has grown FUUFU NAKA wa completely cold, and even married-couple relationship (T) though they each have lovers, my father, for HIe-kitte-te appearance's sake, and is-growing-completely-cold-(and) my mother, for financial reasons, won't ever get a o-TAGAi AIJIN mo iru divorce. mutually one's-lover too is-there no ni CHICHI wa SEKENTEI kara even-tho father (T) appearances for HAHA wa KEIZAI-TEKI RIYUU kara mother (T) economical reason for ZETTAI RIKON shinai no absoluteness not-divorce (nom) --------------------------------------------------- H> 12-2 H> Meiko: H> I don't ever want to get ----atashi wa H> married... I (T) H> H> ZETTAI KEKKON nanka shinai H> absoluteness not-marry-or-such H> H> Is that strong enough for ZETTAI? "I won't ever get married" ??? Good point. ===> 12-2 Meiko: I won't ever get married... ----atashi wa I (T) ZETTAI KEKKON nanka shinai absoluteness not-marry-or-such --------------------------------------------------- H> Hmmm; while the dictionary def of KOUSAI is friendship, etc., might H> Miki be meaning something more? I dunno about that, but I do want to change the "attempts": ===> 12-3 Miki: And so you refuse all sore de KOUSAI no MOUshiKOmi offers of friendship. and-so friendship 's proposal ZEMBU KOTOWAtte-ru no all are-refusing --------------------------------------------------- H> Part 2 next! H> H> Gak! Heh. Ya wimp. ^_^ H> A very good first draft; I'm looking forward to returning to the KOR H> manga when I have some time.... When you "have some time?" Not if MB-trans can help it! ^_^ ["KOR manga"???] --------------------------------------------------- Craig From hga@access.digex.net Thu Sep 28 22:26:01 1995 Received: from access5.digex.net by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id WAA08526; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 22:26:00 -0400 Received: (from hga@localhost) by access5.digex.net (8.6.12/8.6.12) id WAA19289 ; for ; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 22:23:31 -0400 Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 22:23:31 -0400 Message-Id: <199509290223.WAA19289@access5.digex.net> From: Harold Ancell To: mboy-trans@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu In-reply-to: <199509290209.CAA08504@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu> (cnishida@netcom.com) Subject: Re: [MB-MANGA] 1.1 p2 Sorry I don't have more suggestions for alternative wording in this one. >Part 2 of 4. >p 14 > >1 >[Exterior evening shot of a restaurant.] >Miki: [off] > (I can't very well allow (SHAKAI JOUSHIKI kara > them to quietly pretend society/the-public common-sense from > that they can exist separate ____ > from the common sense of hazureta mane suru no o > the rest of society. was-disconnected/ pretending (O) > was-contrary-to > > DAMAtte MIsugosu wake ni wa ikanai > silently let-pass can't-very-well This is awkward.... Is "quietly" associated with Miki or her parents? >3 >[...] > >narration: > This couple seems nice. YASAshi-sou na go-FUUFU > >narration: > They look like very sugoku matomo na HITOTACHI ni > reasonable folks... awfully upright/sane people > > MIeru kedo---- > appear but The Duffy's used "normal" instead of "reasonable", which might be a better shading. >p 17 >3 >Yuu FX: > niko > >Yuu: > Hello. konnichi wa > >Miki: [off] > (Kyaaa! His smiling face is (kyaaa WARAtta KAO ga CHOU-kawaii!!) > super-cute!!) smiled face (S) super-cute Perhaps "so cute" for "super-cute" ??? I think it scans a little better, but I don't know if it's emphatic enough. >4 >[A super-deformed Miki claps hands to her blushing cheeks and turns aside.] Might want to define SD and give the abbreviation for future use. >Miki: > (Oh no. What'll I do?! (ya da dou shiyou_ > > Maybe I can get to know konna KO to SHIriAi ni nareru > a boy like this. with-boy-like-this can-become-acquaintance "A" or this particular boy? >p 18 >4 >[View of a place setting.] >Miki: [off] > Because something like this datte konna no > goes beyond the absurd!! because like-this (nom) > > mechakucha sugimasu!! > super/unbelievable is-more-than I think this sentance needs to be tighter. Drop "something like" ? > Even our relatives wouldn't SHINSEKI no HITO-tachi datte > forgive this. relative 's people even > > YURUsu hazu------ > allow likelihood > >Rumi: [off] How do you know it's her? > Ah, it's okay. a DAIJOUBU > > Those things have been sono hen no NEMAWAshi wa > taken care of already. thereabouts 's necessary-prearrangements (T) > > sunde-ru kara > are-ending/are-clear that's-why Tighter? : "That's alrady been taken care of" ? >5 >[...] >Miki FX: > furu furu I think "tremble" has a clearer connotation. >p 19 > >1 >[Miki goes ballistic, rising to her feet and resting her palms on the table.] >Miki: > Then what becomes of sore ja atashi to YUU-kun no > Yuu-kun's and my feelings?! and-so/then Yuu's-and-my > > KIMOchi wa dou naru no yo_ > feelings (T) what becoming ! This doesn't quite work; "Then what about Yuu-kun's..." ??? >Miki FX: > ban! > >Miki: > We're children who're OYA no MIGATTE ni furimawasareru > abused by parents who do parent 's as-one-pleases are-abused > as they please... > KODOMO no MI ni mo natte------ > into-child's-person too turning-into This sounds a little to formal or stilted for the heat with which she's speaking now.... >3 >Miki: > Wha... na... > > Even though your own parents anta JIBUN no OYA ga konna > are saying something you self 's parents (S) like-that > outrageous like that... > tondemonai koto Itte n no ni > outrageous thing saying (nom) even-tho "like this..." ??? >p 20 >2 >[Rumi looks off-panel at the two children.] >Yuu: [off] > Even though it's a family KATEI HOUKAI no KIKI da tte > breakup crisis, stay calm. home/family collapse 's crisis is (quote) > > no ni HEIZEN to shichatte > even-tho being-cool/calm-(finality) "breakup crisis" is a little awkward, but this sentance needs more emphasis than simply "crisis." >Miki: [off] > Who's being jumpy?! do-- yu-- SHINKEI shite n no?! > what-kind-of-nerves doing/making Jumpy? Sounds like a bit of a non-sequitor after "stay calm." >Rumi: > In other words... tsumari... > > It's only Miki who HANTAI shite n no MIKI dake na no > opposes this, right? opposing (nom) only-Miki is (nom) > > yo nee "Miki is the only one who opposes this, right?" ? >p 21 >3 >[...] >Miki: [off] > And despite meager salaries, YASUGEKKYUU no kuse ni sugu > they don't hesitate to buy a-meager-salary although easily/readily > useless things... ____ > muda na KAIMONO suru shi > buy-useless-things and-besides > > And it's not just a case do-- shiyo-- mo nai toko bakka > of what will I do...! what-will-do too not-have case just I think this sentance needs to be tightened, and connected a bit better to the proceeding one. - Harold From hga@access.digex.net Thu Sep 28 23:26:42 1995 Received: from access5.digex.net by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id XAA08597; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 23:26:41 -0400 Received: (from hga@localhost) by access5.digex.net (8.6.12/8.6.12) id XAA22946 ; for ; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 23:24:11 -0400 Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 23:24:11 -0400 Message-Id: <199509290324.XAA22946@access5.digex.net> From: Harold Ancell To: mboy-trans@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu In-reply-to: <199509290210.CAA08516@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu> (cnishida@netcom.com) Subject: Re: [MB-MANGA] 1.1 p1 Date: Fri, 29 Sep 1995 02:10:20 +0000 (GMT) From: "Craig H. Nishida" On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Harold writes: H> On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Thomas writes: T> H> 3-2 H> Jin: [off] H> H> How do you know it's Jin? In such cases I either consult the anime, or I just roll the dice. I'd prefer not reading anything into the manga that's not clearly there (a pet peave with most dubbed anime is the extra dialog they tend to throw in).... You can always let the reader try to figure it out.... H> 4-1 H> narration: H> With that... sore ga H> H> Miki: _ H> ...heck are you saying?! do-- yu-- kotoo?! H> H> narration: H> ...the curtain rose on my atashi no JUNAN no HIBI no H> daily sufferings. my-suffering 's daily/everyday H> H> MAKU Ake datta---- H> curtain rise was H> H> This is a little awkward, but I can't think of a better phraseing H> without throwing away the "curtain rise". Maybe modify "on", or drop H> "my"? With that, the curtain rose on my daily sufferings. Drop "my"? I think that's worse. To me, this line is just another way of saying the show's about to begin. And Miki's daily sufferings are what MB is all about. I just don't like "daily sufferings." Daily doesn't really match with sufferings. Hmmmm; "constant sufferings" ??? "Day by day" ??? "Every day" Ah! How about "daily agony" ? Or is that too strong? "Daily suffering?" I have had the tendency to leave "funny-sounding" sentences in, if making them "sound right" means sacrificing words in the Japanese. But I'll always lay down a footnote to explain *why* the line sounds that way. (Sometimes it's a cultural reason, sometimes it's an interesting idiom...) I guess I have a slight preference for smoother English over complete accuracy. What't the Italian phrase, roughly "Traitor, translator" ? ===> 3-3 [Miki's pov (i.e., point-of-view) of her smiling, beaming parents, who sit side-by-side.] I prefer "point of view (POV)" T> > 9-2 T> > [View of the tea set.] T> > narration: T> > I'm not listening to a KIita koto nai yo sonna T> > ridiculous story like that!! have-not-listened like-that T> > ________ T> > bakabakashii HANASHI!! T> > absurd talk H> I think it's a sweat drop, although not yet a "Big Sweat(TM)" a la H> Sailor Moon.... You mean, is it "beads of sweat" or "drops of sweat"? I'd choose "beads." Beads are round, drops are teardrop shaped.... 10-3 H> Rumi: H> We met the Matsuuras, and WATASHI-tachi MATSUURA FUSAI ni DEAtte H> wanted to cherish the we meet-the-Matsuuras-(and) H> beating hearts that we H> hadn't felt in a long HISABISA ni KANjita tokimeki o H> while. after-a-long-time felt heart-throb (O) H> H> "Beating hearts" loses something.... I thought it better than "pitter patter"... "Throbbing hearts" perhaps? Ge! This is too literal; how about "passion"? --------------------------------------------------- H> 11-1 H> [View pans back. Miki stands, glaring hard at the crushed can in her hand.] H> H> I'm not sure she's glaring at the can. Drop everything after "hard" ? She's glaring at the top of it. Which is what I'd be doing in that situation. Ok, that was excessively nitpicking. --------------------------------------------------- H> 11-2 H> Miki: [off] H> Sure, my parents are in sorya uchi no OYA wa fudan kara H> the habit of being a bit sure my-parents (T) are-in-the-habit-of H> strange, but this time H> H> "Have some strange habits" ??? But that's a but too weak of a statement.... H> H> Drop "habit" ??? The original line sounds fine to me. Ummm, to me, one is "a bit strange", or is in "the habit of doing strange things"; habit refers to behavior, not innate traits. H> this outrageousness has chotto KAwatta toko ga atta kedo H> gone beyond the limits of a-bit different case (S) were-there but H> forgiveness!! H> H> "This is too outrageous to forgive!!" ? The literal sounds more forceful to me. It strikes me as too wordy. Drop "the limits of" ??? H> Part 2 next! H> H> Gak! Heh. Ya wimp. ^_^ The spirit is willing, but the arms are weak.... - Harold From akirak@unixg.ubc.ca Thu Sep 28 23:30:11 1995 Received: from unixg.ubc.ca by soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu (8.6.10/1.950110) id XAA08610; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 23:30:10 -0400 Received: from interchg.ubc.ca (akirak@interchg.ubc.ca [137.82.27.42]) by unixg.ubc.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id UAA06585 for ; Thu, 28 Sep 1995 20:27:41 -0700 Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 20:27:40 -0700 (PDT) From: Matthew Akira Klippenstein X-Sender: akirak@interchg.ubc.ca To: mboy-trans@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu Subject: Re: [MB-MANGA] 1.1 In-Reply-To: <199509290210.CAA08516@soyokaze.biosci.ohio-state.edu> Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII 'Chiwa! On Fri, 29 Sep 1995, Craig H. Nishida wrote: > On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Harold writes: H> > On Wed, 27 Sep 1995, Thomas writes: T> > --------------------------------------------------- > > H> p 5--TITLE PAGE > H> [Miki and Yuu stand back-to-back. Yuu wears a smile. Miki folds her arms > H> and frowns slightly, looking off to her right.] > H> > H> More than a slight frown, I'd say; much more and it would be a glare. > > I dunno. Miki's glares tend to be pretty obvious. She's pretty > expressive. Here, she just looks a bit unhappy (to me). Rgh! The local bookstore was sold out of MB! ...from what you're describing, though, I'd guess you'd be attempting to describe what a melancholy expression looks like. > Now, later, when Miki keeps looking over her shoulder at us, wearing a > look that's sorta despair, sorta "see what I have to put up with?" I'm > stuck when it comes to describing that succinctly. > There *must* be a word to describe that look! Hmm... a sort of pained look, then? > --------------------------------------------------- > T> > ________ > > H> I think it's a sweat drop, although not yet a "Big Sweat(TM)" a la > H> Sailor Moon.... > > You mean, is it "beads of sweat" or "drops of sweat"? I'd choose > "beads." If I imagine (sigh... six full weeks until I get the books...) this correctly it's a drop -- like the common depiction of a raindrop, right? I've always considered beads to be, well, beady -- spherical/circular. So, if it's not a circle, I vote for sweat drop, or preferably "drop of sweat"... > --------------------------------------------------- > > T> > 10-1 > T> > Jin: [off] > T> > But in our case, we found demo uchi no BA-AI 2-RI > T> Is this an arabic 2? ^ > > Yup. It's her (Yoshizumi Wataru's) way of writing . ...in SlamDunk, they contract double (as in double-teaming) to "W"... > --------------------------------------------------- > > H> 10-1 > H> Rumi: [off] > H> That's right. sou yo ne-- > H> > H> If it had been one-sided, KATAHOU dake dattara > H> then having it turn into one-sided if-it-is > H> a matter of adultery or > H> > H> Drop "a matter of" ? > > Either way, but maybe I lean a bit towards the line as-is. Anyone > else have an opinion? Offhand, how about "a case of adultery"? > H> immorality would have been UWAKI toka FURIN te > H> messy... unfaithful or immoral (quote) > H> > H> koto ni natte mazui kedo > H> turning-out-to-be unwise but > H> > H> Do you think mazui might have a stronger shading than "messy" here? > H> > H> Ugly??? The eqv. line in the anime was rendered as "That's so, and the > H> idea of adultery is so unpleasant." > > I pass on this one. Paul? Yutaka? Anyone else? All I can think of is "undesirable". How 'bout it? > --------------------------------------------------- > > 10-3 > H> Rumi: > H> We met the Matsuuras, and WATASHI-tachi MATSUURA FUSAI ni DEAtte > H> wanted to cherish the we meet-the-Matsuuras-(and) > H> beating hearts that we > H> hadn't felt in a long HISABISA ni KANjita tokimeki o > H> while. after-a-long-time felt heart-throb (O) > H> > H> "Beating hearts" loses something.... > > I thought it better than "pitter patter"... "Throbbing hearts" perhaps? Throbbing hearts gives me an image of a heart attack... You're looking for something like trepidation, to go with hearts, right? Fluttering hearts, perhaps? "we wanted to cherish the feeling of our hearts fluttering, which we hadn't felt in a long while." or some praphrase thereof? > --------------------------------------------------- > > H> this outrageousness has chotto KAwatta toko ga atta kedo > H> gone beyond the limits of a-bit different case (S) were-there but > H> forgiveness!! > H> > H> "This is too outrageous to forgive!!" ? > The literal sounds more forceful to me. I agree... sounds somehow more dramatic. ------- Matthew