The Bastard User From Hell. Part 1.

I was a good computer programmer and a new college student.

I was trying to find the BASIC compiler and could not. Sooo... I call the operator ( I did not know it was the BOFH.)

Phone rings..."Hello" BOFH

"Who is this?"

"It's me I think"

No joke turkey breath, I think.

"Me Who?"

"Is this like a knock knock joke?"

I think: This guy is missing a few brain cells" [Bad assumption on my part].

"What can I do for you"

Boy is he talking nice, must be ok after all. I think.

"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package....?"

"Which package is that?"

"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."

I hear clickety, clickety in the background

Good, the turkey is checking for it.

"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though."

That's funny I say to myself, the instructor said it was on the system.

"Oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape so I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.."

"The worst?"

"Well, like they get deleted or something..."

"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backup!"

"What was your username?"

I give him my username.

clikety clickety click

"But you haven't got any files in your account!"

What, no files! I had over 30, some big, this guy is wrong.

"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"

"Oh no, I made a mistake"

That right bozo breath I think.

I mutter "typical operator" to myself (unfortunetly to loud).

"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"

"Huh? wimper It must be, I was only using it this morning!"

"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off."

"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"

"Which one was that?"

I give him my girlfriends userid. Then my mind says bad move. The igno second factor.

"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."

clickety click "..she only lost all her files"

"But..."

"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"

"Oh, thank goodness!!!"

"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He did what?

KILL and KILL AGAIN!

I had heard there was some one they called the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL. But never believed it. Now the line had been drawn.

I got mad and put a fake program on the computer from my roomies account. You know the kind that acts like a normal screen for the log in but after the user enters the userid and password it ends and the normal login appears.

The teachers could not understand how I had such polished program and only used 80 percent of my computer time. Oh course every one else was running 150% of their allowed and hence got no higher than a "C" in the class.

Hey survival of the fittest.

The BASTARD USER FROM HELL is born.


The Bastard User From Hell. Part 2.

I come into the lab and signed in (using someone elses id) [funny, you offer to help a girl do her program and you can copy her user id and password from her typing, especially if they are slow.

"What the?????" I get all these messages on her e-mail from alt.singles.with.severe.social.dysfuntions. That can't be right. I have been in her account before. She does not write or read this stuff.

"Oh no....its him again." The BOFH has mess things up AGAIN. That means my e-mail is messed up too.

Well... we will just have to fix that.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never being messed up for long.

I spend the next two hours writing a very good program to go in and take all the print jobs from the faculty user ids and print them out in english, greek, latin, german, and japanese (that one was hard on the line printer).

I do not mean a page at a time I mean a letter at a time. Then I assign the output to the computer operator printer.

He will catch it after a while, but hey, it is not my userid. What do I care.

I also send a send a letter to the head of the computer department saying how much of a jerk the operator is and that he should be fired. Hey it ain't my userid.

Unfortunetly some of the professor want us to do stuff on the "SCHOOL" computer. With that guy for an operator, Yeah, Right!

Then the computer goes down. RATS. Then it comes back up.

I log in and I am missing some files. Sooo... Ring..Ring..Ring

"Computer Room"

Oh no, not the BOFH. If I have to deal with this guy again

"I've lost my files" I whine.. make him think I am stupid.

"You bet you have" Is this guy picking a fight or what?

"What was your username?" he says.

I give it to him...what choice do I have.

All of a sudden my whole directory dissappears. What in the name of hades.....OHHHH NNNOOOO

First rule is never give the BOFH your userid.

Well, time to study operating systems.

In the mean time I barricade the door to the computer room. As I am moving the first bench over someone says "What are you doing?"

"I am getting even with the stupid computer operator!!" All of a sudden ten students are helping me.

I was much easier when everyone helps.

That evening I read about an epidemic of herpes and syphillis in the town.


The Bastard User From Hell. Part 3.

After reading up on operating systems I got in really quickly and learned how to up the priority for my job on the queue.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never having to wait for another users program to run.

I did not try to get superuser privileges right away. That BOFH might check and find it. He is probable watching TV.

Well, all my jobs are running just fine. Espically the one through the annomynous userid that is using the cypher cracking software on the academic records.

It is so nice to be able to give yourself an A. The problem is the professors keep changing the password on me. Not for long.

Some guy next to me complains the system is slow (not my stuff) and says he is going to call the sysop.

Am I going to tell him it is a bad idea. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Let him catch hell not me.

I listen just for kicks and grins.

"Do you know why the system is slow?" he says

Pause...."Oh"

The BOFH must have come up with a good anser. Either that or we have an idiot here.

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print." he says.

He hangs up and tries again.

Talk about stupid. If the stove is hot you do not put you hand on again just to see if it really burns.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

Pause...I hear screeaming from the phone...yeah this guy is stupid.

He drops the phone and sprints out the office.

Quickly I run over to his computer. Got to get in fast before the account is canceled. Go into that file where I keep the transfer stuff. Enter the password. Got to be quick now. Yeah start program "retire".

I have to transfer some money to a Swiss bank account using this guy userid.

I get one transfer done. It took a couple of seconds. I had the file all ready to go. Now when the police wonder who has been looting the money from that slush fund at the college they will nail this guy. Then this guy account dissappears. Perfect, no trace.

What, I am stealing from the college. Hey.. I pay my fees. I am just getting some back. NOW! Besides most police department are just now becoming computer literate. Besides I used my crappy poly sci professers id. He is the one who spouts off about political correctness. Lets see him do political correctness when his name is on as the creator of the program. I don't want to take the fall. Hey, you can never start a retirement fund to soon you know.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means always having a retirement account.

Well back to the program that goes and monitors the sysops commands. Got to see how they work before you can counter man them.

Yeah......done.

Some guy next to me calls in to the BOFH.

"I need more space." he says

"No, on my account stupid!"

Uh-OH. Here come the fire works. Hey this will be a good time to see if the new version of the command monitoring program works.

Boy is this guy back pedalling fast... but not fast enough.

"4Megs.....aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhHHHH"

Lets see, there is e-mail from some user. Dumb cluck gave his personal id and password to his girl friend over e-mail. Arn't monitoring programs fun.

Oh here is how he got rid of that guys memory. Lets see I will have to change this and add that other user id and give him say 0.5 MEG. What would happen if he is working on a big project at the time this command takes affect.

El jerko in my English class is about to loose that essay he keeps bragging about.

OOOhhhhhhhhh CCCCRRRRAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!.

Alright....that command worked.

More memory for me to use.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of RAM.


The Bastard User From Hell. Part 4.

It was thursday. I had to be in the lab. Not that I wanted to, but some professors tell us (the students) we HAVE to use the school computer. Something about funding, I guess.

Some one has been trying to call the operator for about two hours. He has been swearing up a blue streak.

Me, I just finish the stuff the professor wants (yes on my user id) the professor wants it that way.

Once I am done with that I get into another account (it pays to read e-mail). Some people know nothing of comm security.

The program I am working on now does the following. Goes and changes the users password. Then it greps the passward file for similar encrypted words. Then dumps the results to another file on a dummy account.

Dummy account, Yeah, I had a talk with the secratary of one of the departments. She says that she would do anything to get even with the BOFH.

So I got into her computer remotely and found the purity test answers. Now she will and does do everything I need, qilling or not. (Interesting answers, she is so conservative, who would have guessed that she preferred.......)

When you are the Bastard User From Hell you don't do thing. You get others to do it for you.

Back to the program I am running.

See what you get for reading magazines. I got a list of the 100 most popular passwords. Well, I just had to try it out.

The guy how has been trying for two hours finally gets in. Then he goes over and does something on the terminal.

AAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!.

The BOFH must have told him to do use rm for something else. More disk space for me.

Some guy wants a printout. The BOFH comes back with one of the crappiest printouts I have seen. Man, what did he do to that one?

Alright, the program I put in has got me at least 32 more accounts. There is going to be no problem of computer time now. And the program is only half through.

That guy is still talking to the BOFH.

He gives him his disketts...SUCKER are you done for now.

Later I see him walking out with the disketts over his head. I do not even want to know. Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of accessible userids.


The Bastard User From Hell. Part 5.

Its friday. The BOFH has not been in all morning.

How do I know...well the computer is running fine for one thing.

The other is that I paid a freshmen to watch the door while he does his homework. When the BOFH comes in he will let me know.

There is someone here who has been trying to get ahold of him all morning.

Me....I am getting into the accademic records and updating my GPA to a 4.0. That crypto program I was running worked just fine. And I did not even have to goto class (except the first day) Dam, am I good or am I good.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means always getting good grades.

The freahmen come in. The BOFH is in to create havoac.

What? Another guy is on the phone and he is yelling at the BOFH. This should be fun.

Me..I am finishing up that program for the consulting job I have. One has to make a living. The job allows me access to the companies computer remotely. But if I do it part time on the school computer I do not have to pay the modem bill.

Let me tell you about purchase requests and userid. You can buy all sorts of stuff when your company NEEDS it. Why just the other day they needed a new 2GB hard drive. Lifes rough. See it like if you are good you use someone's userid on the computer to do all you nasty work. Then when the brown stuff hit the horizontal wind pusher you look really good because your userid just shows pure work like a good little corporate slave.

Oh... the guy tell the BOFH his user id. This should be good.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhh.

Guess he lost his files. It was not even me. Gee I feel cheated.

Tin fool, magnets, pillow cases. I don't even want to guess.

Hey.. I found that guys account. Two files. Well, lets just run that tracking program for the password file.

Yeah there it is. Now just run that puppy through the unencryption program....... presto a password. Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means always get more computer time, free.

See what happens when you work for a firm that does encryption stuff. You find out how they do that kind of thing. Then you come back to the computer and figure out what the algorithm is that the school computer uses and you are in like flint.

It is nice to have power at your fingertips.

Original author:

John W. Fox

Part 6-12.